How to be more productive. Part I

Background: I am not productive. I want to be. And so, a scientific study to test what does indeed make one more productive.
Hypothesis: Sometimes I get things done. Sometimes. So something is going to be the reason for that.

And tonight, the first installment...

Method
Eating an entire box of baby spinach, followed by an entire box of Teddy Grahams.

Observations
-short term enjoyment (teddy grahams more so then spinach)
-tummy aches later
-net time spent on facebook: too much.

Productivity Scale (measured from 1-Productive)
6.2

Inferences
Really, I accomplished nothing. BUT we're giving some points for inhibiting hunger which has proven adverse effects on productivity.

Conclusion
The search continues.....

The Truth and Nothing but the Truthiness

In 2005 Colbert jokingly coined the term "truthiness" to describe things that people "know to be true from the gut", making fun of El Presidente of course. (You can read more about it on the omnicient wikipedia) Ok. That's funny. Silly President, facts are for kids! Tee hee...

And yet... Lately I have had the pleasure of being lectured on "The Truth" by a number of intelligent, rational liberal folk like myself. You know, those people that are watching Colbert and laughing? I believe it was Bill Maher who said he no longer likes touring colleges campuses. Once the bastions of liberal thought and debate, these schools are all lefty-bandwagon-y and and no debate or thought. Everyone's all "I'm a liberal hear me roar, rah rah rah!". Which is cool. And I agree with their causes a lot of the time. And yet.... isn't Academia is supposed to be the home of open dialogue and discussion? Still, we can chock it down to those crazy eager college kids, always rallying wrecklessly one way or the other.

So, why do I keep getting yelled at, by grown-ups, with the likes of:"You don't KNOW the truth. THIS is the truth!"(And trust me, the only person who can pull off lines like that is Jack Nicholson.) Of course this sentence is followed with long rants about people's opinions, angry feelings and things read on some random website (...maybe here? Hmmm? Hmmm. No, probably not.) They are just PEOPLE YELLING AT ME. WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? Why is "The Truth" comprised of your angry opinion and baseless generalizations and nary a reference or example. Since when is the truth fact-free? Sounds like a pretty suspicious truth to me.

It's depressing is what it is. Don't get me wrong, if you're a postmodern novelist I welcome your depictions of your own truths. But if we're talking about history or politics and going for The Truth, that comprehensive, indisputable holy grail, shouldn't we at least try to get all the facts first? And maybe listen to some other opinions?

It is concerning. It is disturbing. It feels like I'm living in 1984 and all my friends and colleagues subscribe religiously to the Ministry of Truth e-mail group.

And yet..... I shut up, listen and nod. Not because I agree, but because Truth Yellers won't shut up until you do. Which thoroughly sucks. And that's the truth.

"Time to get on my high, white, privilleged horse and ride off into the sunset of racism and chauvinism" ... or EW!

I just finished reading the March 20th article in Slate :"… And Baby Makes Two" Forget Juno. Out-of-wedlock births are a national catastrophe" by Emily Yoffe.

I am so offended. As a woman. As a human. As someone with a "college education" who learned more than: marriage to rich white men is good. AAAAAAAAAAARRGGGHH!

I'm too icked out to even know where to start rebutting. So, I leave it to you, dear readers, to analyze and fear for feminists and foes of, what - racism and discrimination and economic segregation, and uh- small mindedness - everywhere.

http://www.slate.com/id/2185944/?GT1=38001

THE WORST OF THE WEPISODES!!!

I just came across this new "show" called In the Motherhood. An online "show conceived by Suave and Sprint".

Ohmygod this is so bad. SO BAD. I really don't have much to say. Just watching it is joke enough.
Leah Remini: why have you stooped so low? What happened to your fine work on King of Queens? Old School? Save by the Bell even? I get that Jenny McCarthy saw this as a step up.
But Chelsea Handler--weren't you supposed to be a promising edgy comedian? What happened?

WHY ladies, why? Was it for the money? Because this is actually just an extended commercial campaign. For something. What? Condoms?

OMG what was Lebanon thinking when she wore those shoes???

In Gaza, the militant group Hamas praised the attack but stopped short of claiming responsibility, The A.P. reported. Thousands of people poured into the streets to celebrate, firing rifles in the air. “We bless the operation. It will not be the last,” Hamas said in a text message sent to reporters, according to The A.P.

- NYTimes

Seriously? A text message? If Israel ignores Hamas at the bar, and Hamas makes out with Israel's boyfriend in retaliation, I'm pitching a reality series to MTV.

* * * *

Update: On March 18th the 26 year old Moroccan man sentenced to 3-years in jail for making a fake facebook profile for the Moroccan Prince was freed and let off of the charges. Which is awesome. I'm thinking we set the Prince up on a blind date and it turns out to be his Facebook Faker, and they fall in love. It's sort of a stand alone episode. Their families disown them and they elope. Iran boycotts the gay wedding, Dubai is the uber-cool party-planner, and Saudi Arabia is the crazy uncle who shows up with lots of presents. Israel and Palestine don't make the guest list and end up going to a diner in their formal wear and falling in love over a malted. But in the next episode, the relationship fizzles pretty fast.

Pretty People Have Gossip too

Today a friend of mine, upon finding out I have an oh-so-secret-blog, asked if I wrote about people I know, but gave them fake names. "Pseudonyms", if you will. I responded in the negative, but it got me thinking. Why don't I talk about people and disguise their identities? Gossip Girl does it.

Living my life by these two simple rules: do as Gossip Girl does and always listen to what your friends say, I am going to try something new. As it so happens, an acquaintance of mine has gotten himself into quite the pickle as of late. So, in a super special edition, I am going to write about people I know using initials. Here's the catch: I'm going to use initials for pseudonyms, not their real names. So you'll just have to guess. (And also pretend you actually knew these people in the first place) Here goes:

I recently found that my super judgmental friend R was secretly seeing M while M had a girlfriend. And THEN, while doing so, she cheated on him with C. All the while lecturing others on their infidelities. Uh oh R, looks like that horse is more of a pony, and you're about to fall off.

As R and M hashed their feelings out, M was also telling our dear friend L that he had feelings for her, but couldn't do anything, because of his girlfriend (whom he was also cheating on, with R). But, one "fake girlfriend" and one secret girlfriend, didn't stop him from starting to see yet another woman - B, also secretly.

So, M has made up one fake girlfriend, so he can have secret affairs with two friends simultaneously, while rejecting a third friend. And now? He's started seeing a new woman in "public", but trying to keep it a secret from the entire harem. Yes, I could not make this up if I tried.

I say: watch out M. It looks like all that secrecy is about to unravel faster that a roll of one-ply.

I hope you enjoyed this Special Edition of Pretty People Have Gossip too.
It's a good thing none of the people mentioned read this. I hope.

XOXO,
Pretty Girl

Why say it when you can sing it? Or: At least Sarah made up her own lyrics...

MUSIC VIDEOS: The future of public discourse

Forget phones. Forget e-mail. Forget face to face, debates and opinion papers.
The music video, my friends. The music video is the form of the future.

I know what you're thinking: music videos? Do recording artists still make those? MTV doesn't even play music videos anymore! But I'm talking not talking about music videos created by musicians. Those are a thing of the past. The music video has been elevated from mere popular culture, to serious forum for public discourse.

Just one thing: I'm pretty sure the Sarah Silverman one came first. And that was a joke. But props to the Obama peeps. YES YOU CAN can sing along to a speech. Yes you can! But seriously: you couldn't even get that kid from Superbad?

Kimmel gets Harrison Ford, while Presidential candidate gets that lady who's on Grey's Anatomy--sorry: who used to be on Grey's Anatomy?

One thing's for sure people. We're not post-ironic anymore. We're post-post-ironic. And so, I usher in a new era!

Sarah Silverman's F*cking Matt Damon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnVJZkDuVBM
Jimmy's Kimmel's F*cking Ben Affleck
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85gBtDNdA8g&feature=related

Obama: Yes We Can
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yq0tMYPDJQ&NR=1
McCain: Yes He Can
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX6qvzx_wUs

Note of the Day....

"Can you make it more latin?"

context:
A wise professors note on a student's writing, which was about nothing particularly ethnic in any direction. Followed by...

 "You have words like 'full breasts' and 'barely beautiful' which just feels so latin"

Seriously. I maintain: MFA = Master of Funny Apples

Apartment Etiquette, PART I *

Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff once said: "Parent's just don't understand." Well, dear Willy and Jazz: I've got news for you: neither do roommates.

I have reached that fabulous point in shared living, where my apartment has begun to straddle that fine line between hostel and tenement. A line, quite frankly, one does not want to be on either side of.

Over the last two months I have had my roommate's: friend and sister of friend, mother and friend of mother, friend and boyfriend of said friend (who somehow managed to both leave the seat up AND leave pee on the actual toilet seat every time he went to the bathroom).

And so, I am inspired to let those fabulous twenty-somethings out there who have oh so fabulous roommates and an even more fabulous barrage of house guests know that YOUR HOUSEGUESTS ARE NOT FABULOUS. On the contrary, there are annoying, infuriating, rude, bothersome and unhygienic. In case you are one of those people, to whom this is all new information, please read on for a few pointers to make people hate you less:

Notification. Being awoken at 1 am by knocking was almost as good as when a dude I had never seen or heard of before, unlocked my door at 11pm on a Saturday night telling me, "It's ok, I'm __'s houseguest."  No, it is not ok. Who the F%ck are you? Why do you have a key? And why did NO ONE tell me????

Group guests. Who said that was allowed? It's one thing if you live alone. It is very different when you have multiple roommates and one bathroom. And group guests always stay longer because they think they are on a free vacation. WRONG! It's not free. It is at the expense of the sanity of your roommate host (the one who never even knew you in the first place, and just had to sit on your the peed-on toilet seat), not to mention the electric bill, and the water bill, and all the food you keep eating. Oh. And a living room is really not the place for a romantic getaway. Your own living room, yes. Someone else's? NO. Believe or not, the stranger who's home your are staying in REALLY does not want you doing those things on their couch. I promise. So stop. Or at least put down a sheet.

Your presence is not a present. It is the opposite, and social etiquette dictatesthat  you buy things to make up for your gluttonous sloth. We're not picky: bottle of wine, a box of chocolates even a roll of toilet paper... Group guests are especially negligent in this arena. I don't know why. It's like they think bringing a second stranger into your home is gift enough. Au contraire, mon amie. Au contraire. Two of you means there should be a bigger present, not no present at all.

I know. I seem a just a bit obnoxious. But think of this: how would your feel if I showed up at your house with my boyfriend and  best friend in tow, ate your food, used all the hot water, peed on your toilet seat, fornicated on your couch and didn't even bring you a cookie. Barring the idea that you're a complete pervert, or desperately lonely, you wouldn't like it either.

So, in sum, all I ask is this:

1. Let your host know
2. Stay for a weekend, not a week. Go home- that's where you're supposed to be most of the time.
3. Bring a present
4. If you bring a friend, bring two presents and don't have sex on the couch. 

5. DON'T PEE ON THE FREAKING TOILET SEAT.

And the best part? Do all this and you won't have to sleep with one eye open.

*Please note all examples and accounts are purely fictional. Any resemblance they may have to real people or events is pure coincidental.

Does this mean Brooklyn is cool again?

In a September 30th article in the New York Times, titled Brooklyn's Fragile Eco-System, writer Alex Williams questioned whether Brooklyn was still "cool", now that Heath Ledger had moved out of the Brooklyn home he shared with Michelle Williams, for hipper pastures in Manhattan.

Now apparently, dear Heath has gone and croaked in Manhattan proper. Of a drug over dose in ...Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment? Wait: is she the one with the eating disorder or the drug problem--because if it's the latter that'd make some sense, I guess. But apparently, Mary-Kate was out of town and Heath was waiting for a personal masseuse to come over? Seriously. Read the article in the Times that drastically changes every four minutes. Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing. Is Manhattan cool or not? Why is Heath hanging out alone at an Olsen twins apartment? Why did a twenty-eight year old A-list hottie need to hire someone to give him a massage?

Or wait. Maybe it does make sense. Let's see. Heath Ledger used to be partnered with Michelle Williams, Mary-Kate played half of the character of Michelle Tanner on Full House. That can't be a coincidence....

Ok, I have no clue what's going on, but I do know this. Heath may have moved out of Boerum Hill, but he died in Soho. I know this is a sad day. Seriously, it's horrible. I'm just curious if this is going to lead to a correction in the Style Section, letting us know that, because it just lost Ledger as a resident, Manhattan is slipping in the cool radar as well.

And perhaps, the whole world is a little less cool today, having lost Heath as a resident. And so we're left with an island, and a world, that is a little less cool and a whole lot sadder.

Here's to Heath. Who goes to Heaven I hope, and makes the pearly gates just a little bit cooler...