Armani Exchange's Alternative Christmas Window

The other day I was flitting from window to window on Fifth avenue, full of frosty Christmas cheer. I admired the extravagant department store displays and the snowflakes and lights of the smaller store windows. Then I came across this picture, front and center in the Armani Exchange window.

And it led to a lot of questions, like: how is this an ad for Armani? And: Why isn’t he interested in her? And: what does this have to do with the holidays? In trying discern the message, I’ve come up with 4 possibilities:

A) Our clothes are so unflattering; you boyfriend will lose interest in you.

Clearly he is just not that into her, tug on him as she might. That grey sheath just doesn’t do it for him. And a bra might have helped too. This is like the reverse–psychology approach: “Buy Armani at your own risk” and then you just want to risk it, don't you? (I recommend you risk it with a bra.)

B) If Armani can’t, nothing will make your narcissist boyfriend love you more than himself.

Is he starting at the camera or his reflection in the window? Either way, he is not staring at her, he’s staring at himself. Or is he staring at us staring at him? So maybe he’s an exhibitionist and not a narcissist.

C) "Happy Holidays I’m gay!" Say it with Armani.

This is the warm and fuzzy modern holiday option. Like: you’re not attracted to your girlfriend, and you like other men. You’ve finally decided it’s time to tell her the truth, and only your Armani jeans can give you the strength.

D) An Armani Exchange Public Service Ad

What’s that on boyfriend’s neck? Is that a dog tag? Has he just returned home, with PTSD? Is he about to totally lose it, because even his hot girlfriend in her hot clothes can’t make him feel anymore? Because depression is like--a serious issue with no easy fix? It’s like: even sexy solidiers get the blues, so take care of our men abroad and at home. Timely, but too soon?

Suri Watch: Reasons to Fear This Photo

I know what you're thinking: "Look, Suri is finally wearing a sweater! She must be a child and not an alien after all!" No, that's what they want you to think. 

And yes, after this posting I will move on to other topics once again. I just felt it was my duty to let you all know that...

1. This is proof that Katie has caught on  to the fact that we've caught on to the alien-nature of her "child" -- which is not good. Look at the way she's looking at the camera. She like, is Sigourney Weaver in Alien 2. I mean kinda. The point is, look how threatening she glares ahead, like: "I put a sweater on her, okay? So leave me alone, pretend everything is fine and I won't sick Tom on you." 

2. The "leggings". Silver shiny leggings, or alien scales? ...or silver shiny leggings to cover up alien scales?

3. No shoes. Why no shoes? WHY NO SHOES! (Because she has superhuman strength and consequently, has no problem walking the streets of major cities barefoot.)

4. What is Suri doing? At first glance you might be think she's just innocently yawning. But who yawns with their eyes closed and hands covering their ears so they can focus on the messages from the mother planet being transmitted to her brain? An alien who is having messages from the mother planet being transmitted to her brain, duh.

Suri Watch: Suri Takes Lower Manhattan

Co-eds beware! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes just bought this house at 42 West 12th. That means they're bringing Suri into dangerously close proximity to the New School and NYU which are both a mere moon rock's throw away.

This could only mean one of two things:

1. Suri's alien intelligence means she is developing at superhuman speed and she will be attending college starting in the winter semester, to better educate herself before taking over the world.

2. She eats college students.

Either way, this is not good. We already know she's been drinking some mysterious power-granting elixir out of Starbucks cups, has a extraterrestrial slave (hidden inside a stuffed squirrel) who does her bidding and NEVER GETS COLD. By the time she has a college degree and a belly-full of freshman, it will be too late. Save yourselves!

De-throned, De-crowned and Don't Care

Miss England was recently dethroned for having a throw-down with Miss Manchester over a body builder, at a bar, in celebration of the porn industry.

Miss California was fired for "breach of contract", claimed she was being discriminated against for hating on gay marriage, sued for religious discrimination, was counter-sued by Miss USA who asked for her fake boobs back, and then was forced to settle when the Miss USA organization pulled out a sex tape of Carrie- alone.

Are the women who enter these competitions simply starved for attention to begin with? Do the outdated standards of the pageant industry set unattainable goals? Are all pageant contestants bat-sh*t loco?

Dethroning used to mean something: shame, political unrest, social change, decapitation. Now it means having to hear about how yet another surgically enhanced, intellectually deficient coed got drunk and sloppy.

Masturbation, beating someone up when they dirty-text your boyfriend and good compromised Christian values are all totally legit topics of discussion. But if I wanted to hear about them, I'd go to a Kappa Kappa Gamma party at the University of Florida, thank you very much.

These are 22 year olds who choose to wear bathingsuits when they're nowhere near the water. Why do we care? And can we please get back to the real celebrities who are going to rehab, filming weird sex tapes and beating up their significant others?

Miss England and Miss Manchester, who was dirty texting with Miss England's boy-toy and suffered the consequences.

Suri Watch Update

Okay, so a few weeks ago, I wondered if Suri Cruise was an alien. Now, I am completely sure. Last month, everyone wanted to talk about her Starbucks cup. Now, all anyone can talk about is her stuffed squirrel. Has the entire press corps been blinded by her alien mojo powers of suggestion?

Why is everyone wearing a winter coat, except for Suri? At first, I thought maybe Katie was wearing that toasty down coat to cover up some teensy costume between takes. But no, the entire crew is dressed for a midnight stroll in Alaska and Suri is wearing a sundress.

Why is this "child" never cold? Why does no one talk about it? And is that stuffed animal really her extra-terrestrial minion Mrojfaaalenk?

Photos from the set of Katie's new film The Romantics in upstate New York from Marie Claire.

Levi Johnston Honored with Pornography Award

Fleshbot.com, the Gawker franchise’s porn offshoot, will be holding the first annual Fleshbot Awards in Las Vegas. My favorite honoree?  Levi Johnston! Remember him?

At first I thought it was for the topless photos he took with naked baby Trigonometry for GQ and I was like: INNAPRO! But then I realized it was for Levi’s upcoming solo spread in Playgirl. Which is much more appropriate. From White House hanger-on dreams to C-list sex symbol... Now that should be an annual award.

See the CBS Early Show where Levi talks about Playgirl and the incarcerated cougars who throw themselves at him.

You can find more info on the Fleshbot Awards here. Click at your discretion. 

Christopher Walken's Poker Face

Greetings Pretty People,

It has been oh so long since I've graced your presence with my brilliance. Sadly, I've been rather busy farming out my blogging talents to big important websites that broadcast my insights to the masses, by the thousand. Yes, I am very important. In my mind. And my mom's mind.

In any event, this clip reminded me of all that is right in the world, so I thought I'd share it with you. Christopher Walken is number one on my list of old men I'd sleep with. The other is David Bowie. It's a short list. If either one of you are reading, call me. 

xoxo

Pretty Girl

Shady Baby Cruise

Okay, so everyone's concerned that Baby Cruise is drinking from a Starbucks cup. (Could it be coffee?!?) I'm concerned that everyone around her is wearing: boots, scarves, jackets and she's... wearing a tiny summer dress? And yes, Daddy Cruise may be carrying a sweater for her, but why isn't she wearing it? And why is she wearing sandals? I think this is further proof that Suri is definitely an alien baby. I mean- what is really in that Starbucks cup? Some sort of scientological elixir that keeps her abnormally warm? Furthermore, why are Tom and Katie wearing matching plaid shirts? And why don't they want their "daughter" to match them? Am I the only one who sees the seriousness of this shady extra-terrestrial conspiracy? Save Suri! Or rather, save yourselves! Suri is coming, and she's wielding a recyclable cup!

Waiting for Obama

Why Audrina, why?

Yes, that's a toothbrush.

Really, Audrina.? Really. Audrina.

It's gotten to a point where I don't just feel embarrassed for you when I watch The Hills or when I see pictures like this. I feel embarrassed knowing that you exist. Just--stop. Put on some clothes, stop denying that painfully apparent nose-job and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD cancel The Audrina Show. It is a BAD idea.

Remember that time you thought Justin Bobby actually liked you? Remember that time you agreed to take this picture? You clearly have no judgment. So stop. Found a purse company or go to dental hygenist school or something.

And on a completely tangential note, does this remind anyone else of that scene in the ABC-Disney movie Friendship in Vienna? Like a very inappropriate take on it?

The one thing you should never do with your e-mail

...is save it. So delete, delete your whole inbox Do it now. For the love of the BCC, do it!

If not, eventually someone will do something really shitty to you. And you will feel crappy and angry, but you will try to be above it. And move on. And only envision their comeuppance in cartoony, surreal daydreams. Superior, but detached, superior, but detached, superior but-

THEN one day you will be shuffling through your e-mail and just happen to find some very incriminating e-mails written by said person. Nothing really horrible, just relationship-ruining and potentially life upheaving. 

And you know you'll never actually do anything with them. But now you have to look at them. And ponder. And think very evil thoughts about what you could do, were you not the specimen of grace and maturity that you are. Thoughts that don't involved brightly colored  anvils and horrible haircuts in the shape of ten foot cactuses. Thoughts that involve clicking send and seeing the repercussions unfold in a very real, kitchen-sink-y kind of way. 

And you'll wish you had deleted them way back when you got them. Because then you could move on with your life, feeling classy and self-important, instead of starring at 3 month old e-mails with steam coming out of your ears, feeling like a shitty person for even thinking such bad thoughts. Especially if you're not Catholic, and you'll have to deal with the guilt from your mean imagination all on your own. Or with Ben and Jerry. (Which is  problematic, especially if you're not bulimic. And yes, bulimics and Catholics are obviously shame free.)

So just do it. Delete your entire inbox. Free yourself from the potential bad thoughts and get down with your Zen self. Unless you want to keep them saved. Like- you keep them with the express purpose of harnessing their potential destructive power in the future. In which case, shame on you!

BREAKING MICHAEL JACKSON NEWS!

This just in: Michael Jackson is still dead. 

He has not risen as a ghost or zombie. He has not signed a development with USA for a pilot about vampires. He has not been reincarnated as a wax figurine and he has not been seeing flying over Los Angeles on the back of a winged barbie doll.

TMZ was first to break the story.

What is in the water in Hollywood???

Apparently mercury and tics....and some very delicate actors. 

Parker Posey just withdrew from a play in New York because she allegedly contracted Lyme disease. I'm not making light of Lyme -- even though it does make for some awesome alliteration -- but one does have to wonder a little bit, right? 

Let's just hope Jude Law still makes it to Broadway to play Hamlet this fall, and doesn't come down with a pesky case of leprosy. 

PS - Lest you think I'm a horrible person, don't worry Jeremy's feeling much better and staying off the sashimi. 

In memory of Ted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sET8Rz-628k

Blake Lively celebrates her 22nd birthday....with herself?

Is it just me, or is this Gossip Girl totally touching herself? Drunken accident or deliberate cry for attention? And where's Penn Badgley? And do I care? Nope. Moving on. . .  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/26/blake-lively-sparkles-on_n_269401.html

I bite my thumb at you Marriott Interntional, I BITE MY THUMB AT YOU!

http://www.connpost.com/ci_13048604

This makes me so so angry. And for once, I have no sassy comment. That's right, I'm just not up on my "blame the rape on the woman" jokes. And yes, the Marriott has since apologized. After receiving negative press. And revealing the woman's identity. And subpoenaing her pilates teacher.

First, she has this horrible thing happen to her. In front of her children. Then, the stupid hotel says its her fault. Then, they illegally reveal her identity. Only one party is guilty of negligence here, and that's the Marriott. If I were this woman, I would sue them for harassment, and hate crimes and sex discrimination and being generally horrible.

So, write your Senator, write your local Marriott, I don't know who to write. But for goodness sakes, write someone. This is atrocious. And completely ridiculous. And I will never ever stay in a Marriott hotel again. They had better give this woman a big chunk of change. And it still won't be good enough.

Shame on you Marriott, SHAME ON YOU!

Ode to a college town

Beer is 3 dollars

Ice cream is 3 dollars

EVERYTHING is 3 dollars

@Ihateyoutwitter

The internet is a dangerous place. Especially when you have important things to do. Important things to do on an ever encroaching deadline. 

Facebook has always been The Devil. And google is like the combined force of every other person (and there are many) who lives in the Devil's Frat House. And you think it can't possibly get worse than all that. Enter Twitter. Twitter, that slutty Gamma Phi Beta has teamed up with the entire Google Devil Fraternity to bring recreational stalking to a whole. New. Level. 

Yes, this is something so intense, so dramatic, each word gets its own period.

What happens when an estranged family member you're never met and never want to meet Facebook messages you? You delete it. And when they friend request you? You decline. And when they message you again? And request you again? And again? You block them. Finito...... 

But what happens when you have very important things to do in a very short time span? You google that person. Just to see. Because you will do anything to avoid your work and are also slightly masochistic. . . And lo and behold: this person has a Twitter account. Freaking Twitter. 

And Twitter quickly shows you that this person leads a rather unexceptional existence. . . except that it completely parallels your own. Like, completely. And you are more than a little freaked out. And now you can't get your work done because you just want to eat cookies and and forget that you weird distant relative who you despise on principal is kinda living a version of your life. 

And it's your own fault for googling them back in the first place. But Devil Commune that it is, google would have produced very little to bother anyone. Maybe 3 minutes of perusing article titles at most, and it'd all be over and forgotten. But no. It's the Twitter. The damn Twitter.  Slutty slutty, gang-banging with the Devil's entire pledge class, Twitter.

I want to be a Meat Scientist!

Position: Assistant Professor of Meat Sciences 
Salary: Unspecified
Institution: University of Alaska at Fairbanks 
Location: Alaska 
Date posted: 7/20/2009

The University of Alaska Fairbanks Northwest Campus is located in Nome, Alaska. Northwest Campus is part of UAF's College of Rural and Community Development and is located on the west coast of Alaska along the Bering Sea. Because Nome is off the Alaska road system, frequent village travel is by small commuter plane and village accommodations pose unexpected challenges for those without deep rural experiences.

This is a 9-month, non-tenure-track, term-funded position that will be providing instruction in the classroom, labs, and through distance deliver. Instructional areas may include but are not limited to: Reindeer husbandry, nutrition of reindeer, reindeer meat production, slaughtering techniques (according to state and USDA inspection) and value added processing of reindeer meat. The successful candidate must be able to collaborate with researchers to integrate research with current HLRM curriculum to solve scientific/technological/ economic problems relating to meat quality, processing, preservation, microbiology, safety, preparation, distribution and consumption of meat.

A Master of Science degree in reindeer husbandry or management, agricultural education, animal science, agricultural economics or technical agriculture is required. Candidates must have experience or have demonstrated an ability to teach in a multicultural setting.

Interested individuals should go to http://www.uakjobs.com for more information on this position and to submit an application. A cover letter which includes qualifications, a curriculum vitae and three current professional references with complete contact information are required. The position is open until filled. 

Contact information: Northwest Campus Phone: 907/443-8400 Northwest Campus Personnel Office or e-mail Gretchen Froehle at nngmf@uaf.edu.

The University of Alaska is an Affirmative Action, Equal Opportunity Employer. Women and minorities are encouraged to apply.

30 Rock = The Muppet Show

Brian Lynch's article is kind of amazing. Not much to add. 

The Traditional Beheading of an Incongruous 80s Rocker at the Tonys

Hey, Broadway's not for everyone. You'd probably get a little bewitched, bothered and bewildered if this happened to you.

Girls Just Want to be Left Alone!

It's official:  Fox Studios is remaking the 1985 classic dance film Girls Just Want to Have Fun, which featured Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt and Shannon Doherty. And Miley Cyrus is set to star. Ew yuck NO, I say! 

I adored this movie growing up. (And totally still do) It is an amazingly ridiculous and ridiculously amazingly homage to the eighties and a contemporary version would hurt my heart to its very core. Just watch the First scene.  How could Miley ever begin to illicit such love? And then take a look at the most awesomest grande finale one could ask for. 

Even if Helen Hunt, SJP and 12 year old Shannon Doherty were replaceable (which they are so NOT), how could anyone attempt to replicate, or worse- replace, this delightful confection of 80s goodness! Yes, that is what GJWTHF is all about: 80s goodness. And no contemporizing or Miley-izing will ever come close to the brilliance of DANCE TV! (Circa 1985)

But, in case that wasn't argument enough for you, just watch Miley performing the the title track .  Ew, yuck, NO!

This post is dedicated to my best friend and cultural savant, Elliot.

Coolest Prom Queen, by Far

A boy prom queen. Love it. Also, this kid is freakishly wise for an 18 year old. LOVE. IT.

Ooooooooh.

It's a Memorial Day Tribute. I think they were reading someone's true story about an injured vet. I get it. Okay, that's nice. I excuse the poor writing. And feel appropriately badly for mocking it. Still, whatever talent relations person decided to have Katie "act" out this story, was seriously misguided. Sharing of story: good. Celebrity support: good. Celebrity crap-cting which overshadows touching personal story: bad. 

What am I watching?

Katie Holmes and Diane Weist speaking some very melodramatic words over classical music. Is this some sort of radically bad adaptation of All My Sons? Why has no one realized that Katie Holmes can't act? Why has no one realized this is so bad. What IS this?

Why I love New York in the Springtime

Because my roommate ran into Ali from MTV's The City (crying anoxeric model) at a hardware store in Chelsea and it turns out, she doesn't actually cry all the time.

Because every high school in the country is having a class trip right now and the streets are filled with large packs of screaming teenagers.

Because Starbucks discontinued my favorite drink and replaced it with a less delicious variation that costs a dollar more. 

Tourists. I know I already said school trips, but I love tourists so much they get their own category.

The smells. That's right. Every bodily discharge that covers the streets and subway floors of this city, now smells ten times worse. 

And finally, because I become a cranky, boring old lady. I miss the cold. 

The Countdown Begins: 25 Days

Who will be the next love of Jillian's life??? Only time can tell. And ABC. And maybe that guy who blogs all the spoilers. And the vomit theory.

....until Jillian Harris is the new Bachelorette! 

OOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!

Actually, she has probably wrapped filming and is happily engaged and is no longer a bachelorette at all. Still, in 25 days we get to relive the journey with her. We will laugh, we will cry, we will vomit in our mouths a little. But it will all be worth it, because she will find love. Well, if we're looking at the statistics of past Bachelor/Bachelorettes probably not. But one thing is for damned sure: we will be entertained. 

In honor of Jillian's second reality television show debut, here are the 2.5  (Because 25 will get painful) things I am most looking forward to:

1. Episode 1: Jillian makes all the bachelors dress hotdogs, putting the elusive Hot Dog Theory to the test. (On the Bachelor, Jason chose mustard which meant he was cool AND ready to commit. Maybe that was the exception that proved the rule?) The bachelor who steps up to eat all 25 hot dogs get a rose. He's a keeper because he can consume so much. Get it? He has space in his life for love. If he vomits, he gets booted automatically. Obviously afraid to commit. I like to call this the Vomit Theory.

2. The Finale: Jason's 4 year old son Ty shows up and tells Jillian that Jason made a mistake letting her go. (Jason is unavailable because he's on a cruise with Melissa- yes changed his mind again. They couldn't find a babysitter, gave Ty to ABC.... and those crazy network people put the kid on television, what?)

2.5 This is a half-prediction. An "upper half of the body" prediction, if you will.  

Jillian remembers she's on national television and keeps her hands off of the bachelor's asses. Actually she keeps her hands off the entire lower halves of the bachelors. Knees are excepted. As are ankles. Crotches are an obvious no-no. At least with hands. She can always get creative.*

*I'm not calling Jillian a slut. I think she's super awesome. I'm just saying, my rules aren't so rigid. There's room for leeway. And that is really what the Bachelor/ette is all about, right? Leeway. You can choose someone. And then dump them. Because even reality show writers should be allowed to change their minds.

When you turn 25, hotmail deletes your account.

My first birthday present this year: logging into hotmail to find my e-mail account (the one I've had for some 7 years) no longer exists. 

I honestly didn't think  25 was such a  big deal. Sure, it's a quarter century. Sure I'm closer to 30 than I am to 18. (SCARY.) And sure, I know that old people have trouble with technology...

But banning you from all e-mail? Or at least your e-mail past? Forced to create an online life anew? All the thousands of e-mails making up my young-adulthood are gone. *THOUGHT: I'm no longer an adult. I am a full-fledged adult. This is bigger than a bar-mitzvah and a confirmation, first menstruation, and loss of virginity altogether!

I'm not scared. It's a brand new stage in life. And Microsoft has ushered me in. It's like a personalized diploma from Bill Gates! 

Sure it means I'll lose all contact with everyone I've ever e-mailed, but that's alright. This is more than right of passage - it's religious conversion. Today, I am a brand new person. A 25 year old, with no friends beyond my cellphone contacts and no access to every love letter I received via e-mail since 2002. (Hey, they rack up faster than you might think.)

Maybe I'll open a google account. It just might be time. Oh and Facebook - I'll have to delete that profile, and start one with a new name to go with my new ADULT persona. Maybe get an appropriately adult glamor shot to go with.

I miss cupcakes with number-candles.

***UPDATE***

After a 12 hour glitch in the system that many hotmail users experienced, everything went back to normal. Unfortunately, I had already created a new facebook profile, legally changed my name and gotten a nose job. Oops. Might have jumped the gun a bit.....

Diary of a Procrastinator or The Internet is for Making You Feel Bad About Yourself.

8:32 - Arrive home. Shouldn't have gone for drink. Or stayed for second. That's okay. Home now. Had a social break. Will be twice as productive now. I can feel it: this is gonna be a good night.

8:45pm -  Check e-mail-both accounts, facebook and first account again to make sure there's nothing new. 

9:05 - make snack. 

9:08 - search for new snack, because first snack was just eating carrots sticks out of the fridge and was not filling.

9:10 - begin elaborate dinner making ritual

9:40 - sit down in front of television (purely for mealtime diversion), but find that most shows are 2/3rds of the way through. That's no way to eat! Go online and watch something (only 22 minutes!) on hulu. First check e-mail (both accounts), facebook and stalk random ex-best friend from elementary school. And her attractive med-school boyfriend (ie- what is wrong with him. How do I find out if he has herpes or is emotionally unavailable?)

10:23 - sit down to work. 

10:25 - check e-mail. Just in case there's something new. Just the one account. And one minute on facebook. Check the second e-mail account just for balance. 

10:31 - call college friend who lives on the West Coast to catch up. Because you haven't spoken to her in months and you used to be so close. Also, because it's appropriate-phone-call time there.

10:48 - Facebook stalk California friend - her new boyfriend, awesome job, supercool party she attended. Check e-mail when done: maybe I have a super cool life and someone sent me something cool. Nope.

11:10  - Hate self.

11:18 - Google peers who are doing more interesting/ exciting things than me. 

12:02am - Hate self alot.

12:06 - snack. Carrot sticks. I'm being healthy. This is good.

12: 07 - Eat chocolate bar that was hidden in freezer.

12:07:48 - Hate self for eating snack. And procrastinatory tendencies. And general failure at life. 

12:12 - Hate self for being so self-obsessed. Get back on computer! This is the late night adrenaline rush they all talk about. Life is good.

12:15 - Feel even worse because - a) no new e-mails or facebook messages b) having succumbed to warm glow of computer screen, promising false validation via internet.

12:20 - Look up important things I could do with my life that I'm not doing because I suck.

1:16 - E-mail, E-mail, Facebook, Self-Hatred.

1:22 - No more carrot sticks. 

1:24 - Go to 24 hour deli on corner and buy chocolate bar. And one extra to replace secret stash in freezer. Eat both before I get home.

1:34 - Stalk ex-boyfriends on facebook. 

1:56 - Hate self for being hatredly hate-worthy.

1:59 - Give self motivational pep-talk. Find renewed self of faith in self and joy in the world. Second wind. (Third wind?) Adrenaline rush.

2:06 - To the computer to finally get some work done! Better is late than never! Life is good! I am woman hear me roar!

2:10  - No internet love. Just self hatred. I gave in to the glow again. 

2:20 -  brush teeth. Tonight is a lost cause. 

2: 24 - no energy to floss. Even though I did absolutely NADA all night. Feel bad about that too.

2:35 - Unable to sleep. Hate self for staying up too late.

2:45 - watch something on computer (only 22 minutes!) to help fall asleep.

3: 07 - wide awake.

3:10 - FUCKING INTERNET WHY NO LOVE!!!!!?!?!?????

3:15am - watch another episode (only 22 minutes!)

11:03am - Awake. Slept through alarm by 3 hours. Missed all sorts of important things. But that's okay. Time to start day. New day. Everything is shiny and new and rife with potential.

SEXTING vs. PLEXTING

Sexting. You want it. You like it. You're a fourteen old girl who knows how to work your cellphone. Apparently minors sending dirty messages and/or nude pics over the internet/cell-phone-er-net is all the rage.

Now, lots of people are concerned that these minors are being sued for sexual harrasment, even child pornography. Yes - one girl is being convicted of underage child pornography -for sending posting naked pictures of herself online. If she is convicted she will be labelled a sex offender on a permanent criminal record. This is clearly very messed up. I would sooner convict our rather messed up society for inspiring such activity in a girl too young to legally drive. I would also maybe say that if taking pictures of yourself is harassment, then masturbation is rape?  I don't have any of these answers. Read Ms. Magazine or something if you want them.

My primary concern is the nature of this "sexting" itself. I'm like: really? Porn? A 13 year old with a blurry unfocused camera-phone flashing her 13 year old crush with her left boob? Netlingo has compiled a list of what it deems most common sexting acronyms among teens. Alot of them are pretty grown-up. But if fourteen year old are really saying FDN to each other, I doubt they are fond of the kind of leather we they think they are. 

And I don't think this sexting-craze describes your every day average teenage girl. No, she has other things on her mind. And even if she's saying NIFC (Nude in front of the computer), I doubt that she actually is. She's too insecure about her flat chest, excema on her tummy and fat (they're not actually fat, but she thinks they are) thighs. Yes, teens sometimes get naked in front of each other. And that can lead to sex. But it's hella awkward. The average teen girl is too busy thinking about the less glamorous, less sexy things real teens think about to be writing her own X-rated movie staring her self. 

What is it that she's thinking about, you ask? Well, happily for you, I have compiled a list of a few. And I call it PLEXTING C2009 for that oh so awkward and perplexing age that the CW (which I adore) sometimes makes us forget.

SELECTED PLEXTING GLOSSARY:

HDYKIYMGTM - How do you know if you mom's going through menopause?

JFOMUHTC - Just found out my uncle has testicular cancer

TWTSFFF - tampon was too small - fuck!

SCOB - Serious case of bacne [back-acne, for you geezers out there]

TTCBFFF - think the condom broke fuck!

PTNIC - Pregnancy test negative. In the clear.

IAMOWMC - I accidentally made out with my cousin

UI2BR? - You into Battlestar?

 3I- Is Incest Illegal?

URXCD -I think you are dyslexic

PD/URPN - I peed on your phone.

So come on people. Let's give these tweens some sympathy, condoms and maybe a copy of a Judy Blume novel. But a lawsuit is just TRPCW!  (Totally Retarded in a PC way)

The Rumors were true

Traded in Melissa for Molly. From kinda dumb 25 year old to less dumb 24 year old. Still unclear as to whether the move constitutes an upgrade...

Don't be Spoiler Spoil Sport: The Bachelor and Beyond

Ohmygoodness Ohmygoodness! Can anyone say scandal?

To catch you up, if you don't live and breath ABC's The Bachelor 24/7. C-list Hollywood gossip columnists and devoted reality tv watchers everywhere are going craaaaazy! 

So, first a dude posted a video on youtube.com claiming he'd figured out which lucky lady Jason Mesnick proposes to in the season finale. That "spoiler" is here.

Then, some guy named Reality Steve, posted alot of  long rambling posts and longer rambling videos of himself, the content of which basically amount to this:

 

Jason liked Molly all along, but ABC told Jason he had to pick Melissa and so he proposes to Melissa in the Finale. ABC really wanted us to see the Pinky Ring Fakeout  because... In one of two post-show specials (to air next Monday and Tuesday) Jason will dumps her for Molly. The reason: ratings. It's a big dramatic audience shocker.

 [ABC has been promoting a "shocking" "unprecedented" aftershow. Apparently, the aftershow was "so dramatic, so emotionally difficult" ABC decided to film it without the usual live audience "out of respect for the parties involved". (You can see the awesome preview here.) It is ok, mind you, to broadcast it to 12 million homes. Hmmm. Fishy.] You can find the full thirty-minute Reality Steve experience here. Caution: do not operate heavy machinery while reading or watching, you may fall asleep.

This all brings us pretty much up to date. Which is where my question comes in.

So this speculation (true or not) has lead to many angry fans shunning and eschewing Sweet Sweet Jason Mesnick. Was Jason in on the plan all along? Was he "playing" Melissa just to break her heart and boost the ratings? (Jason, who put his 4 year on television. Twice. And who had no problem rejecting 23 other crying women on live television. ) No, Jason would never do such a thing to Molly! They had a real connection! It's unimaginable.

But my real conundrum is this: everyone is all up in arms at ABC at the sheer notion that...... get ready.........

SOMETHING ON A TELEVISION SHOW MIGHT BE PLANNED OR ORCHESTRATED!

What? No! Couldn't be! The editors, producers, writers that bring us Bachelor Episodes every week never plan anything! Seriously? Come on people. You can love the Bachelor. You can love to hate the Bachelor, you can love to hate to love the Bachelor..... but you love it because it is a television show. That is all. If you wantde to watch real people fall in love free of intervention - go hang out on match.com or okcupid.com or sit in a bar on ladies night. Maybe even find a boyfriend of your own, even. Whatever. 

But don't be mean to my one true love, Reality TV, just because it's not reality. Come on, you knew that already. Just like you know you'll never be a contestant on the show because you don't look like this in a bikini. For those of you living under a rock (or living an actual life) that's Melissa. Possible fiance and possible ex-fiance of The Bachelor #32, Jason Mesnick.

I guess we'll all have to wait till next Monday to find out the truth when we watch the Finale. Or maybe the hour long after show after the two hour finale. Sorry, the two hour long After-After Show the day after the after show and finale. Wait a second - I'm going to watch FIVE HOURS of Bachelor related programming in two days? I am ABC's bitch. But it feels so good....