I have reached that fabulous point in shared living, where my apartment has begun to straddle that fine line between hostel and tenement. A line, quite frankly, one does not want to be on either side of.
Over the last two months I have had my roommate's: friend and sister of friend, mother and friend of mother, friend and boyfriend of said friend (who somehow managed to both leave the seat up AND leave pee on the actual toilet seat every time he went to the bathroom).
And so, I am inspired to let those fabulous twenty-somethings out there who have oh so fabulous roommates and an even more fabulous barrage of house guests know that YOUR HOUSEGUESTS ARE NOT FABULOUS. On the contrary, there are annoying, infuriating, rude, bothersome and unhygienic. In case you are one of those people, to whom this is all new information, please read on for a few pointers to make people hate you less:
Notification. Being awoken at 1 am by knocking was almost as good as when a dude I had never seen or heard of before, unlocked my door at 11pm on a Saturday night telling me, "It's ok, I'm __'s houseguest." No, it is not ok. Who the F%ck are you? Why do you have a key? And why did NO ONE tell me????
Group guests. Who said that was allowed? It's one thing if you live alone. It is very different when you have multiple roommates and one bathroom. And group guests always stay longer because they think they are on a free vacation. WRONG! It's not free. It is at the expense of the sanity of your roommate host (the one who never even knew you in the first place, and just had to sit on your the peed-on toilet seat), not to mention the electric bill, and the water bill, and all the food you keep eating. Oh. And a living room is really not the place for a romantic getaway. Your own living room, yes. Someone else's? NO. Believe or not, the stranger who's home your are staying in REALLY does not want you doing those things on their couch. I promise. So stop. Or at least put down a sheet.
Your presence is not a present. It is the opposite, and social etiquette dictatesthat you buy things to make up for your gluttonous sloth. We're not picky: bottle of wine, a box of chocolates even a roll of toilet paper... Group guests are especially negligent in this arena. I don't know why. It's like they think bringing a second stranger into your home is gift enough. Au contraire, mon amie. Au contraire. Two of you means there should be a bigger present, not no present at all.
I know. I seem a just a bit obnoxious. But think of this: how would your feel if I showed up at your house with my boyfriend and best friend in tow, ate your food, used all the hot water, peed on your toilet seat, fornicated on your couch and didn't even bring you a cookie. Barring the idea that you're a complete pervert, or desperately lonely, you wouldn't like it either.
So, in sum, all I ask is this:
1. Let your host know
2. Stay for a weekend, not a week. Go home- that's where you're supposed to be most of the time.
3. Bring a present
4. If you bring a friend, bring two presents and don't have sex on the couch.
2. Stay for a weekend, not a week. Go home- that's where you're supposed to be most of the time.
3. Bring a present
4. If you bring a friend, bring two presents and don't have sex on the couch.
5. DON'T PEE ON THE FREAKING TOILET SEAT.
And the best part? Do all this and you won't have to sleep with one eye open.
*Please note all examples and accounts are purely fictional. Any resemblance they may have to real people or events is pure coincidental.
And the best part? Do all this and you won't have to sleep with one eye open.
*Please note all examples and accounts are purely fictional. Any resemblance they may have to real people or events is pure coincidental.
