Suri Watch: Reasons to Fear This Photo

I know what you're thinking: "Look, Suri is finally wearing a sweater! She must be a child and not an alien after all!" No, that's what they want you to think. 

And yes, after this posting I will move on to other topics once again. I just felt it was my duty to let you all know that...

1. This is proof that Katie has caught on  to the fact that we've caught on to the alien-nature of her "child" -- which is not good. Look at the way she's looking at the camera. She like, is Sigourney Weaver in Alien 2. I mean kinda. The point is, look how threatening she glares ahead, like: "I put a sweater on her, okay? So leave me alone, pretend everything is fine and I won't sick Tom on you." 

2. The "leggings". Silver shiny leggings, or alien scales? ...or silver shiny leggings to cover up alien scales?

3. No shoes. Why no shoes? WHY NO SHOES! (Because she has superhuman strength and consequently, has no problem walking the streets of major cities barefoot.)

4. What is Suri doing? At first glance you might be think she's just innocently yawning. But who yawns with their eyes closed and hands covering their ears so they can focus on the messages from the mother planet being transmitted to her brain? An alien who is having messages from the mother planet being transmitted to her brain, duh.

Suri Watch: Suri Takes Lower Manhattan

Co-eds beware! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes just bought this house at 42 West 12th. That means they're bringing Suri into dangerously close proximity to the New School and NYU which are both a mere moon rock's throw away.

This could only mean one of two things:

1. Suri's alien intelligence means she is developing at superhuman speed and she will be attending college starting in the winter semester, to better educate herself before taking over the world.

2. She eats college students.

Either way, this is not good. We already know she's been drinking some mysterious power-granting elixir out of Starbucks cups, has a extraterrestrial slave (hidden inside a stuffed squirrel) who does her bidding and NEVER GETS COLD. By the time she has a college degree and a belly-full of freshman, it will be too late. Save yourselves!

De-throned, De-crowned and Don't Care

Miss England was recently dethroned for having a throw-down with Miss Manchester over a body builder, at a bar, in celebration of the porn industry.

Miss California was fired for "breach of contract", claimed she was being discriminated against for hating on gay marriage, sued for religious discrimination, was counter-sued by Miss USA who asked for her fake boobs back, and then was forced to settle when the Miss USA organization pulled out a sex tape of Carrie- alone.

Are the women who enter these competitions simply starved for attention to begin with? Do the outdated standards of the pageant industry set unattainable goals? Are all pageant contestants bat-sh*t loco?

Dethroning used to mean something: shame, political unrest, social change, decapitation. Now it means having to hear about how yet another surgically enhanced, intellectually deficient coed got drunk and sloppy.

Masturbation, beating someone up when they dirty-text your boyfriend and good compromised Christian values are all totally legit topics of discussion. But if I wanted to hear about them, I'd go to a Kappa Kappa Gamma party at the University of Florida, thank you very much.

These are 22 year olds who choose to wear bathingsuits when they're nowhere near the water. Why do we care? And can we please get back to the real celebrities who are going to rehab, filming weird sex tapes and beating up their significant others?

Miss England and Miss Manchester, who was dirty texting with Miss England's boy-toy and suffered the consequences.

Suri Watch Update

Okay, so a few weeks ago, I wondered if Suri Cruise was an alien. Now, I am completely sure. Last month, everyone wanted to talk about her Starbucks cup. Now, all anyone can talk about is her stuffed squirrel. Has the entire press corps been blinded by her alien mojo powers of suggestion?

Why is everyone wearing a winter coat, except for Suri? At first, I thought maybe Katie was wearing that toasty down coat to cover up some teensy costume between takes. But no, the entire crew is dressed for a midnight stroll in Alaska and Suri is wearing a sundress.

Why is this "child" never cold? Why does no one talk about it? And is that stuffed animal really her extra-terrestrial minion Mrojfaaalenk?

Photos from the set of Katie's new film The Romantics in upstate New York from Marie Claire.

Levi Johnston Honored with Pornography Award

Fleshbot.com, the Gawker franchise’s porn offshoot, will be holding the first annual Fleshbot Awards in Las Vegas. My favorite honoree?  Levi Johnston! Remember him?

At first I thought it was for the topless photos he took with naked baby Trigonometry for GQ and I was like: INNAPRO! But then I realized it was for Levi’s upcoming solo spread in Playgirl. Which is much more appropriate. From White House hanger-on dreams to C-list sex symbol... Now that should be an annual award.

See the CBS Early Show where Levi talks about Playgirl and the incarcerated cougars who throw themselves at him.

You can find more info on the Fleshbot Awards here. Click at your discretion. 

Christopher Walken's Poker Face

Greetings Pretty People,

It has been oh so long since I've graced your presence with my brilliance. Sadly, I've been rather busy farming out my blogging talents to big important websites that broadcast my insights to the masses, by the thousand. Yes, I am very important. In my mind. And my mom's mind.

In any event, this clip reminded me of all that is right in the world, so I thought I'd share it with you. Christopher Walken is number one on my list of old men I'd sleep with. The other is David Bowie. It's a short list. If either one of you are reading, call me. 

xoxo

Pretty Girl