7 Year Ish

This blog officially turned 7 recently. Some thoughts about that:

1. This has lasted longer than any home, job or relationship I've had (and has arguably received more attention than some of that latter category).

2. The whole "pretty girl" sign off was an homage to Gossip Girl, a show that has now been off the air for 2 years.

3. On top of that, most people would probably concur at this point, that I am no longer a girl. I guess by most definitions of adulthood and legal responsibility--drinking, smoking, driving, age of consent -- I was already an adult when I began this. But perhaps, I could still claim to be in the Britney Spears realm of "not a girl, no yet a woman". After all, when I wrote my first posts, I was back in my childhood home, waiting to start graduate school, feeling about 12. These days, I am only referred to as a girl in group emails about nauseating bachelorette parties, linked to excessively detailed google doodles.

4. Since the start of this blog a terrible thing has taken hold in the collective consciousness and it is called The Google Doodle.

5. I think in the last 7 years Britney's career has experience a lot of change and growth.

6.  Mine, not so much. A little bit, but I'm still waiting on the call for a live show in Vegas.

7. This would be the time for a blog sabbatical, except I've pretty much been on one for the last 2 years anyway.

8. Sorry about that.

9. In biblical times, I believe people rotated crops every 7 years. So maybe it's time to shake some things up.

10. No, I am not going to call myself Pretty Woman.

11. Maybe now is also the time to set some goals for the next 7 years.

12. In 7 years, will the internet still exist? Will Skynet have taken over?

13. Will Blogger-come-Blogspot-come-Google Overlordship still be running these sites? Or housing them? Sourcing them?

14. Will I  finally have learned the relevant technical lingo of the day by then?

15. Will that lingo be obsolete by the time I have learned it?

16. Will I have moved on to enumerating lists with Roman numerals? Or perhaps eschew numerical values altogether and stick to bullet points?

17. Perhaps, most importantly, will The Real Housewives franchise still be a thing?

18. Maybe, kind of like this blog and -for better or worse- like me, not much will really have changed.

Yours Always,
Pretty Girl

*Le Sigh*

I started this blog 6 and a half years ago. And while I have pretty much let it die of natural causes, I haven't officially deleted it. There's something about having my former self floating around the internet ether. Even though that self used the term post-modernism in her first I-don't-know-how-many posts. Even though she wrote some pretty dumb stuff. And even though she only posted some of the time and would grow to almost forget about this altogether. It's nice to know she's still out there. And that if Suri Cruise does turn out to be alien and destroy the human race, she can say you heard it here first.

Until the next wave of nostalgia (or desperate procrastination).

With love,
Pretty Girl

An Emo Moment (If You'll Indulge Me)

Today I feel like:

Blakey and RyRy are Married!

So it looks like Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds got married this weekend. Say what you will, but everyone needs a rebound marriage before getting back out there.

 Photo from US Weekly

 Seriously you guys, Reynolds needed someone to bounce back and Blake is super bouncy. And you should see how good she looks in a ScarJo mask!

Sources say Florence of Florence and the Machine performed because she is a "good friend" of the bride. Thanks for asking me, Blake. I guess all those hours I clocked listening to your drunken calls about your hair color meant nothing. (FYI- it WAS a total mistake to switch from "Golden Blonde" to "Shimmering Blonde" - I was just being nice. You look ridiculous.)

Have a great honeymoon, bitch.

* * *

And for those of you who may be feeling badly for ScarJo, don't. While Bitch Barbie and Ken two were getting married in South Carolina, Scarlett was one Carolina above them, doing some serious hand-holding with Jared Leto at the DNC.

Photo Courtesy of E! if you couldn't tell.

I don't know what he was doing, but my guess is either: having a stroke or summoning the spirits of presidents past. Or trying to shave his awful beard with his mind. Look how happy they are!


 

I'm Baaaaaack (with a very good excuse)

Hello there Pretty People!

And by people, I mean person, because surely there is one person out there in the universe that reads these. Hopefully, now that there may be life on Mars, my readership will increase.

So I've been gone. For a long time. So long, I didn't remember my password to long on to this shebang. Which probably means I'm getting old and my memory is going. I told you- it's been a long time.

An Explanation of my absence: it wasn't that I had forgotten you all (or maybe, you 1), but that I have been very very busy. Things I have done in the last year:

1. Cured polio
2. Cured some meats
3. Sold those cured meats on the internet and parlayed that success into a 4-star restaurant on the moon
4. Travelled to the moon
5. Mooned some people
6. Spent some time in jail for mooning said people
7. Wrote a tell-all memoir about my time in jail
8. Sold a pilot to OWN based on said memoir
9. Because best friends with Oprah, while working on said TV show about said memoir
10. Had a horrible falling out with best friend Oprah and lost TV deal in the process
11. Acquired debilitating Pixie Stix addiction
12. Went on a very scary bender in Candy Land
13. Went to rehab, (said "ok, ok, ok" when they tried to make me go)
14. Reintegrated into society, grew accustomed to Splenda
15. Freaked out when I saw a add for Candy Land on television
16. Broke a television
17. Broke my arm, in the process of breaking said television
18. Went to hospital, got cast
19. Fell in love with doctor, quit job, moved to suburbs, made many babies
20. Became a mommy blogger!

After that some bad shit went down, but suffice to say, I ended up exactly where I was but one year ago before all that happened. With a little more life experience under my belt.

And then I remembered you. All. One.

I hope you missed me too.

love,
Pretty Girl

I am the cracked out gingerbread-looking person in the middle. (I also shaved all my body hair and became a nudist at one point, but more on that later.)

The first and last video I will ever post of a baby

This is the exact reaction I get from guys who see me naked!

So Much for My Cootie-Filled Culinary Dreams

What sucks the most about officials banning a London ice cream parlor from selling breast milk ice cream because of health concerns, is the precedent it sets.

How am I ever going to realize my dreams of opening the Pretty People's Bodily Fluid Bar and Grill now? I guess all those hours concocting the perfect recipes for saliva sodas, man-juice mojitos and menstrual blood barley soup are for naught.

*Sigh* Guess it's time to find yet another career goal. Any suggestions?