Pretty People Have Feelings Too

The first and last video I will ever post of a baby

2011-03-15T18:32:00.001-05:00

This is the exact reaction I get from guys who see me naked!

So Much for My Cootie-Filled Culinary Dreams

2011-03-01T23:05:00.005-05:00

What sucks the most about officials banning a London ice cream parlor from selling breast milk ice cream because of health concerns, is the precedent it sets.

How am I ever going to realize my dreams of opening the Pretty People's Bodily Fluid Bar and Grill now? I guess all those hours concocting the perfect recipes for saliva sodas, man-juice mojitos and menstrual blood barley soup are for naught.

*Sigh* Guess it's time to find yet another career goal. Any suggestions?

Aaron Carter's Out of Rehab: A Friday Song

2011-02-11T15:03:00.007-05:00

Breaking news: Aaron Carter is out of rehab!

His manager explained the month-long Betty Ford stint to E!: "Several months ago Aaron came to me to help him return to music and to restart his career...Aaron, understanding the challenges and hard work it would take to get himself back to the top, requested to take some time before we started to heal some emotional and spiritual issues he was dealing with..."

Your response to this may be: To get back on top? When was he ever on top? Or: Wait who the $#%$ is this guy?

To help you understand this complex situation, I've written a song. Maybe it can be his first single on the new album.

Aaron Carter's our of rehab and I said: Who? Who? Who?
Yes his brother was, a Back Street boy but
That was done like a decade ago.
And I'm pretty sure it's not
Cuz his single "Aaron's Party" was hot.
Try to make this loser seem famous
But I say: No, no, hell no!

Oh wait- the Carter family also did that E! reality show House of Carters for like a month in 2006. Totally famous. I take it all back.

A Private Affair

2011-02-06T12:26:00.003-05:00

This week, my favorite New York Times wedding write-up in a long time recounts the very intimate, private elopement of one Jessica Phillips and Greg Minah.

"The couple were married on Jan. 26, on the secluded Kauapea Beach on the island of Kauai, by Daphne Therese, a minister of the Church of Religious Science. The only other direct participants on hand were a ukulele player and a pair of photographers."

... plus that Times reporter documenting the event for some 30 million readers.

Things I Really Care About

2010-08-13T15:51:00.015-05:00

1. What Katie Lee Joel Eats
If you care too, you can read her painfully detailed food diary at NYMa g.com. In case you're short on time (Though who doesn't have time for former trophy wives and their diets?), here are some of the highlights:

On Friday she had ice cream and a bagel. But I don't believe that for one second. Unless purging isn't included in the food diary.

On Saturday morning, she had coffee with almond milk.

On Sunday morning, she had coffee with almond milk.

On Monday morning she had coffee with almond milk. Then she went to see The Kids Are Alright and "had a couple handfuls of popcorn and a handful of Raisinets." This was a dark time for Katie. She explains, "My friend bought them, and I didn't have the willpower to say no."

When she got home on Tuesday night, she had "a bite of a strawberry-buttermilk cupcake" that her friend Anne gave her.

On Wednesday she allegedly had multiple croissants.

She also happens to be writing a book about a girl who surfs, but who gives a %&*@?

Photo: Melissa Hom for nymag.com

I am becoming a famous sassy pseudo foodie!

2010-02-25T22:59:00.011-05:00

Yes, you heard me right. There is only one way to get famous/ become the most lovable, beloved, lovely and adorable person in the world/ make a shit ton of money/ become a serious writer and that is to WRITE A BLOG ABOUT COOKING!

It's true. And I know what you're thinking, but I'm not just talking Julie & Julia here. There are like a thousand other women who write about the food they cook, whine adorably about the trials and tribulations and throw in some sassy little inane details about their completely conventional personal lives. And they are all going to be rich, famous, loved by millions and win pulitzer prizes one day. So, I have decided to get on the bandwagon. Stay in touch for my multi-part serious (exact end date TBD based on acquiring of book deal/ husband/ non-delusional personality.)

PART 1: "All Up in My Grill Grilled Cheese" *

Grilled cheese is like- an American classic. But it's also modern. Both retro and chic it has to be made just right or the whole dish is ruined. It's sort of like how one time I had this generic sensitive yet distant boyfriend and I was like: "Stop being so distant and get ALL UP IN MY GRILL already!" And he was like, "No, bitch you're crazy." So I made him this grilled cheese, and he fell completely in love with me and we were together forever. But don't worry my relationship with sensitive yet distant boyfriend isn't so secure that there won't be some serious drama in the future. And sexy restaurateur and Hollywood agents getting in the way- or should I say... ALL UP IN MY GRILL!

Read on for my secret, super-special foolproof recipe in just 15 easy steps.

Instructions**

1. Plug in George Foreman.

2. Take Wonder Bread out of fridge

3. Take 2 slices of Wonder Bread out of bag4. Take package of Kraft singles of the fridge. Open package. Take out 2 singles and take the plastic off of each one. (This is important. You don't want to leave the plastic wrap on either one of them.)

5. Put both slices of cheese between the two pieces of bread. (Make sure you don't put the bread between the pieces of cheese by accident- what a mess!)

6. Put Wonder Bread and Kraft Singles back in fridge.

7. Open lid of George Foreman Grill.

8. Put bread with cheese onto grill.

9. Close lid.

10. Wait 3 minutes.

11. Open grill.

12. Take off sandwich and put it on plate. NOTE: you'll want to use a plate and not a bowl (you'll squish your sandwich), glass or mug, or ziploc bag. This

may seem picky, but trust me you'll get the best results.

13. Unplug grill.

14. Enjoy sandwich.

15. If you failed to make a decent grilled cheese sandwich, plug in grill again and burn your house down. Cooking is a serious endeavor and you should be punished for not treating it as such.

* Yes, I came up with the title too. I am so brilliant!

**Instructions must be followed TO A T. If not, you will fuck it all up and die alone.

Bitch please! I am way cuter/younger/sassier than her. I am so on the path to greatness!

Ghost Writer

2010-02-19T00:57:00.009-05:00

Okay, so this new Roman Polanski Ghost Writer - is Jamal still a character? Because that's the only way I'm going to see it.

And if Jamal is in it - why isn't he in the poster? Sure Ewan and Pierce are cute, but it looks like they talk to some kind of ghost person... which HELLO is so much lamer than talking to a ghost through a computer! Technology is awesome! Especially technology from the early 90s!

So what gives RomPo? What gives?

Suri Watch: The Case of the Mystery Handbag

2010-02-17T11:30:00.006-05:00

According to US Magazine, Suri "donned an $850 Salvatore Ferragamo "Sofia" handbag while boarding a helicopter with her parents in Jamaica Feb. 5. The accessorty is a mini version of mom Katie Holmes' $1,850 'Sophia' purse, which she also carried on the trip."

Cute, if not a little revolting and excessive, yes? But let's analyze this photo further.

1. If Suri's bag is identical to Katie's, why is hers blue on one side? Is that jsut the reflection of the sun? Maybe...

2. Why is Katie 2 feet, stopped in her tracks (not walking like Tom) and looking at Suri in shock?

3. Wait - this picture was taken on February 5th? But the article ran on February 16th? Why did it take 11 days to post this?

Could it be that this photo was retouched to include the handbag? That really, Katie was shocked at whatever crazy alien sh*t Suri had pulled out of her sleeve? Or out of her hand? And maybe, in a brilliant stroke of PR someone said let's spin the story into one about an exorbitantly priced handbag, rather than try to cover this up only for it to be inevitably found out. Well too late savvy PR powers that be- we found out!

What is Suri actually holding? Why is Katie so shocked? And if by chance this was the real photo, that' still doesn't explain why Katie was so shocked. So WHAT WAS IN THE BAG?

Lessons Learned from Lifetime Movies

2010-02-16T13:05:00.010-05:00

1. If you have an affair, end it, and then are stalked by your ex-lover…you should tell someone instead of keeping it a secret. If not, ex-lover will attack you, date your daughter and kill your husband. And then you’ll feel pretty silly for not just saying something earlier.

2. If you are home alone, and it is scary and dark outside and your are isolated in the middle of the wilderness….there probably is a bad guy lurking outside. Don’t just pour some tea and try to ignore it, because eventually someone will break in and attack you.

3. Affairs never end well.

4. Pregnancy never ends well.

5. Therapists are 1) evil, 2) incompetent or 3) so smart you have to kill them so they won’t discover our your evil past.

6. There is life after cancelled sitcoms/prime-time soaps/early nineties fame.

In Defense of Suri Watch

2010-02-10T19:44:00.009-05:00

Dearest Pretty People and Others,

Today, a friend asked me if I thought my blog was mean to young Suri. And although, I'm sure my friend is delusional and I am completely right, I wanted to clear things up, just in case some of you were delusional too.

Do I want to be mean to Suri? No. Do I think Suri is a bad person? Of course not! I don't think she's a person! Even so, she is pretty. And though this blog is devoted to the feelings of pretty people, we also care about non-persons who are pretty too. Because it's hard to be pretty, no matter what genus or species you are --no matter what planet you hail from.

And really, prettiness refers to so much more than just the state of being pretty. That's the whole point of this blog. Everyone has feelings - even those we might suspect of not having them. Even those who don't have the human capacity to have feelings because they're supernatural life forms. Besides, I've seen Star Trek, Star Trek the Next Generation and even Deep Space Nine--hell even Voyager. I know that even alien races have feelings too. I've seen the evidence. I'm not ignorant.

So, for anyone out there who thinks I'm being a little harsh, please rest assured that I only want good things for Suri. I want her to find a way to adapt to our human way of life and live here peacefully. And for our planets to have diplomatic relations, and cultural exchanges and even foreign exchange students! I've seen My Stepmother is an Alien, I know it's possible. (And before you write that movie off, please remember that it starred none other than Dan Aykroyd, THE authority on all things otherworldly.)

And for those of you who appreciate what I'm doing, know that I won't let you down. I will continue to keep you posted on the adventures of our little alien friend, and to keep you informed of any suspicious goings on. Then hopefully, we can better understand her ways and also maybe prevent the destruction of our planet.

With love to all- be you pretty, or alien or even Dan Aykroyd,

xoxo

Pretty Girl

Suri Watch is Back...with Lipstick and Princess Dresses

2010-02-10T19:07:00.009-05:00

I only write things when I have something else--or really 2 other things, at least--that I am supposed to be writing instead. So, with two deadlines looming above my head (that were due yesterday) , I have decided to devote time to the prettiest thing I write. For the prettiest readers ever.

And the truth is, I've been slacking lately. Because Suri Cruise is still out there, passing herself off as an actual person-child, even though she is secretly an alien. And I have not being keeping watch.

This week's evidence # 1: Suri was caught wearing lipstick yesterday. Now, you might think it's cute. But I'm sorry, playing dress-up at home, is different than showing up at a restaurant wearing lipstick. Especially when you're three. It's almost like she's wearing a disguise or something. And why? Brace yourselves....

Tom Cruise's explanation to Hello! magazine was this: "Suri's very much like her mother..."

Very much like her mother?!? Um, could he have given it away more? Why do you need to convince us of that Tommy? Why must you hammer in such an obvious fact? Obviously she'd be like her mother, unless.... are you hiding something? Like the fact Suri's real mom comes from the planet Stiuoplixlegilooo?

And by the way, a blogger at The National Post responded to this event by asking, "Is Suri Cruise the oldest 3 year old alive?" I respond to him: yes, because she is actually a 345 year old alien. Though that's considered young on her home planet of Yisdowjikkerlocz.

Evidence # 2: Check out this picture of Suri in Disney World, laughing with a Disney princess. Belle touches her heart, and opens her mouth with glee as she looks at adorable little Suri. Or wait- is Belle clutching her heart and opening her mouth to scream a silent scream of terror?

Look at the veins popping out of her neck! Did the alien baby just spray some sort of extraterrestrial bile from her mouth? Or did she lock her supernatural eyes with Belle's long enough for Belle to realize that she was looking into creepy, all-knowing, all-powerful alien eyes?

Clearly things are getting out of hand. And I promise to be better at keeping you updated -even if I don't desperately need a way to procrastinate.

This Ketchup Packet Will Change Your Life

2010-02-04T14:01:00.002-05:00

From AP:
The ketchup packet has been around for more than 40 years, and complaints about it for nearly as long: too messy, too small, too hard to open. Now ketchup giant H.J. Heinz Co. is unveiling the first major packaging change to the to-go condiment. The new design has a base that's more like a cup for dipping and also a tear-off end for squeezing, plus it holds three times as much ketchup than a traditional packet."The packet has long been the bane of our consumers," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup.

Oh, and it's also Hyperbole Week.

Armani Exchange's Alternative Christmas Window

2009-12-12T17:27:00.017-05:00

The other day I was flitting from window to window on Fifth avenue, full of frosty Christmas cheer. I admired the extravagant department store displays and the snowflakes and lights of the smaller store windows. Then I came across this picture, front and center in the Armani Exchange window.

And it led to a lot of questions, like: how is this an ad for Armani? And: Why isn’t he interested in her? And: what does this have to do with the holidays? In trying discern the message, I’ve come up with 4 possibilities:

A) Our clothes are so unflattering; you boyfriend will lose interest in you.

Clearly he is just not that into her, tug on him as she might. That grey sheath just doesn’t do it for him. And a bra might have helped too. This is like the reverse–psychology approach: “Buy Armani at your own risk” and then you just want to risk it, don't you? (I recommend you risk it with a bra.)

B) If Armani can’t, nothing will make your narcissist boyfriend love you more than himself.

Is he starting at the camera or his reflection in the window? Either way, he is not staring at her, he’s staring at himself. Or is he staring at us staring at him? So maybe he’s an exhibitionist and not a narcissist.

C) "Happy Holidays I’m gay!" Say it with Armani.

This is the warm and fuzzy modern holiday option. Like: you’re not attracted to your girlfriend, and you like other men. You’ve finally decided it’s time to tell her the truth, and only your Armani jeans can give you the strength.

D) An Armani Exchange Public Service Ad

What’s that on boyfriend’s neck? Is that a dog tag? Has he just returned home, with PTSD? Is he about to totally lose it, because even his hot girlfriend in her hot clothes can’t make him feel anymore? Because depression is like--a serious issue with no easy fix? It’s like: even sexy solidiers get the blues, so take care of our men abroad and at home. Timely, but too soon?

Suri Watch: Reasons to Fear This Photo

2009-11-13T21:13:00.008-05:00

I know what you're thinking: "Look, Suri is finally wearing a sweater! She must be a child and not an alien after all!" No, that's what they want you to think.

And yes, after this posting I will move on to other topics once again. I just felt it was my duty to let you all know that...

1. This is proof that Katie has caught on to the fact that we've caught on to the alien-nature of her "child" -- which is not good. Look at the way she's looking at the camera. She like, is Sigourney Weaver in Alien 2. I mean kinda. The point is, look how threatening she glares ahead, like: "I put a sweater on her, okay? So leave me alone, pretend everything is fine and I won't sick Tom on you."

2. The "leggings". Silver shiny leggings, or alien scales? ...or silver shiny leggings to cover up alien scales?

3. No shoes. Why no shoes? WHY NO SHOES! (Because she has superhuman strength and consequently, has no problem walking the streets of major cities barefoot.)

4. What is Suri doing? At first glance you might be think she's just innocently yawning. But who yawns with their eyes closed and hands covering their ears so they can focus on the messages from the mother planet being transmitted to her brain? An alien who is having messages from the mother planet being transmitted to her brain, duh.

Suri Watch: Suri Takes Lower Manhattan

2009-11-10T00:05:00.006-05:00

Co-eds beware! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes just bought this house at 42 West 12th. That means they're bringing Suri into dangerously close proximity to the New School and NYU which are both a mere moon rock's throw away.

This could only mean one of two things:

1. Suri's alien intelligence means she is developing at superhuman speed and she will be attending college starting in the winter semester, to better educate herself before taking over the world.

2. She eats college students.

Either way, this is not good. We already know she's been drinking some mysterious power-granting elixir out of Starbucks cups, has a extraterrestrial slave (hidden inside a stuffed squirrel) who does her bidding and NEVER GETS COLD. By the time she has a college degree and a belly-full of freshman, it will be too late. Save yourselves!

De-throned, De-crowned and Don't Care

2009-11-08T10:09:00.018-05:00

Miss England was recently dethroned for having a throw-down with Miss Manchester over a body builder, at a bar, in celebration of the porn industry.

Miss California was fired for "breach of contract", claimed she was being discriminated against for hating on gay marriage, sued for religious discrimination, was counter-sued by Miss USA who asked for her fake boobs back, and then was forced to settle when the Miss USA organization pulled out a sex tape of Carrie- alone.

Are the women who enter these competitions simply starved for attention to begin with? Do the outdated standards of the pageant industry set unattainable goals? Are all pageant contestants bat-sh*t loco?

Dethroning used to mean something: shame, political unrest, social change, decapitation. Now it means having to hear about how yet another surgically enhanced, intellectually deficient coed got drunk and sloppy.

Masturbation, beating someone up when they dirty-text your boyfriend and good compromised Christian values are all totally legit topics of discussion. But if I wanted to hear about them, I'd go to a Kappa Kappa Gamma party at the University of Florida, thank you very much.

These are 22 year olds who choose to wear bathingsuits when they're nowhere near the water. Why do we care? And can we please get back to the real celebrities who are going to rehab, filming weird sex tapes and beating up their significant others?

Miss England and Miss Manchester, who was dirty texting with Miss England's boy-toy and suffered the consequences.

Suri Watch Update

2009-11-07T10:56:00.020-05:00

Okay, so a few weeks ago, I wondered if Suri Cruise was an alien. Now, I am completely sure. Last month, everyone wanted to talk about her Starbucks cup. Now, all anyone can talk about is her stuffed squirrel. Has the entire press corps been blinded by her alien mojo powers of suggestion?

Why is everyone wearing a winter coat, except for Suri? At first, I thought maybe Katie was wearing that toasty down coat to cover up some teensy costume between takes. But no, the entire crew is dressed for a midnight stroll in Alaska and Suri is wearing a sundress.

Why is this "child" never cold? Why does no one talk about it? And is that stuffed animal really her extra-terrestrial minion Mrojfaaalenk?

Photos from the set of Katie's new film The Romantics in upstate New York from Marie Claire.

Levi Johnston Honored with Pornography Award

2009-11-07T10:07:00.006-05:00

Fleshbot.com, the Gawker franchise’s porn offshoot, will be holding the first annual Fleshbot Awards in Las Vegas. My favorite honoree? Levi Johnston! Remember him?

At first I thought it was for the topless photos he took with naked baby Trigonometry for GQ and I was like: INNAPRO! But then I realized it was for Levi’s upcoming solo spread in Playgirl. Which is much more appropriate. From White House hanger-on dreams to C-list sex symbol... Now that should be an annual award.

See the CBS Early Show where Levi talks about Playgirl and the incarcerated cougars who throw themselves at him.

You can find more info on the Fleshbot Awards here. Click at your discretion.

Christopher Walken's Poker Face

2009-11-05T17:34:00.003-05:00

Greetings Pretty People,

It has been oh so long since I've graced your presence with my brilliance. Sadly, I've been rather busy farming out my blogging talents to big important websites that broadcast my insights to the masses, by the thousand. Yes, I am very important. In my mind. And my mom's mind.

In any event, this clip reminded me of all that is right in the world, so I thought I'd share it with you. Christopher Walken is number one on my list of old men I'd sleep with. The other is David Bowie. It's a short list. If either one of you are reading, call me.

xoxo

Pretty Girl

Shady Baby Cruise

2009-10-12T13:14:00.006-05:00

Okay, so everyone's concerned that Baby Cruise is drinking from a Starbucks cup. (Could it be coffee?!?) I'm concerned that everyone around her is wearing: boots, scarves, jackets and she's... wearing a tiny summer dress? And yes, Daddy Cruise may be carrying a sweater for her, but why isn't she wearing it? And why is she wearing sandals? I think this is further proof that Suri is definitely an alien baby. I mean- what is really in that Starbucks cup? Some sort of scientological elixir that keeps her abnormally warm? Furthermore, why are Tom and Katie wearing matching plaid shirts? And why don't they want their "daughter" to match them? Am I the only one who sees the seriousness of this shady extra-terrestrial conspiracy? Save Suri! Or rather, save yourselves! Suri is coming, and she's wielding a recyclable cup!

Waiting for Obama

2009-09-14T13:40:00.004-05:00

Why Audrina, why?

2009-09-11T12:06:00.009-05:00

Yes, that's a toothbrush.

Really, Audrina.? Really. Audrina.

It's gotten to a point where I don't just feel embarrassed for you when I watch The Hills or when I see pictures like this. I feel embarrassed knowing that you exist. Just--stop. Put on some clothes, stop denying that painfully apparent nose-job and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD cancel The Audrina Show. It is a BAD idea.

Remember that time you thought Justin Bobby actually liked you? Remember that time you agreed to take this picture? You clearly have no judgment. So stop. Found a purse company or go to dental hygenist school or something.

And on a completely tangential note, does this remind anyone else of that scene in the ABC-Disney movie Friendship in Vienna? Like a very inappropriate take on it?

The one thing you should never do with your e-mail

2009-08-31T20:07:00.005-05:00

...is save it. So delete, delete your whole inbox Do it now. For the love of the BCC, do it!

If not, eventually someone will do something really shitty to you. And you will feel crappy and angry, but you will try to be above it. And move on. And only envision their comeuppance in cartoony, surreal daydreams. Superior, but detached, superior, but detached, superior but-

THEN one day you will be shuffling through your e-mail and just happen to find some very incriminating e-mails written by said person. Nothing really horrible, just relationship-ruining and potentially life upheaving.

And you know you'll never actually do anything with them. But now you have to look at them. And ponder. And think very evil thoughts about what you could do, were you not the specimen of grace and maturity that you are. Thoughts that don't involved brightly colored anvils and horrible haircuts in the shape of ten foot cactuses. Thoughts that involve clicking send and seeing the repercussions unfold in a very real, kitchen-sink-y kind of way.

And you'll wish you had deleted them way back when you got them. Because then you could move on with your life, feeling classy and self-important, instead of starring at 3 month old e-mails with steam coming out of your ears, feeling like a shitty person for even thinking such bad thoughts. Especially if you're not Catholic, and you'll have to deal with the guilt from your mean imagination all on your own. Or with Ben and Jerry. (Which is problematic, especially if you're not bulimic. And yes, bulimics and Catholics are obviously shame free.)

So just do it. Delete your entire inbox. Free yourself from the potential bad thoughts and get down with your Zen self. Unless you want to keep them saved. Like- you keep them with the express purpose of harnessing their potential destructive power in the future. In which case, shame on you!

BREAKING MICHAEL JACKSON NEWS!

2009-08-28T16:28:00.008-05:00

This just in: Michael Jackson is still dead.

He has not risen as a ghost or zombie. He has not signed a development with USA for a pilot about vampires. He has not been reincarnated as a wax figurine and he has not been seeing flying over Los Angeles on the back of a winged barbie doll.

TMZ was first to break the story.

What is in the water in Hollywood???

2009-08-27T14:41:00.007-05:00

Apparently mercury and tics....and some very delicate actors.

Parker Posey just withdrew from a play in New York because she allegedly contracted Lyme disease. I'm not making light of Lyme -- even though it does make for some awesome alliteration -- but one does have to wonder a little bit, right?

Let's just hope Jude Law still makes it to Broadway to play Hamlet this fall, and doesn't come down with a pesky case of leprosy.

PS - Lest you think I'm a horrible person, don't worry Jeremy's feeling much better and staying off the sashimi.

In memory of Ted

2009-08-27T11:33:00.004-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sET8Rz-628k

Blake Lively celebrates her 22nd birthday....with herself?

2009-08-26T22:30:00.004-05:00

Is it just me, or is this Gossip Girl totally touching herself? Drunken accident or deliberate cry for attention? And where's Penn Badgley? And do I care? Nope. Moving on. . .

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/26/blake-lively-sparkles-on_n_269401.html

I bite my thumb at you Marriott Interntional, I BITE MY THUMB AT YOU!

2009-08-16T16:11:00.004-05:00

http://www.connpost.com/ci_13048604

This makes me so so angry. And for once, I have no sassy comment. That's right, I'm just not up on my "blame the rape on the woman" jokes. And yes, the Marriott has since apologized. After receiving negative press. And revealing the woman's identity. And subpoenaing her pilates teacher.

First, she has this horrible thing happen to her. In front of her children. Then, the stupid hotel says its her fault. Then, they illegally reveal her identity. Only one party is guilty of negligence here, and that's the Marriott. If I were this woman, I would sue them for harassment, and hate crimes and sex discrimination and being generally horrible.

So, write your Senator, write your local Marriott, I don't know who to write. But for goodness sakes, write someone. This is atrocious. And completely ridiculous. And I will never ever stay in a Marriott hotel again. They had better give this woman a big chunk of change. And it still won't be good enough.

Shame on you Marriott, SHAME ON YOU!

Ode to a college town

2009-08-07T12:25:00.003-05:00

Beer is 3 dollars

Ice cream is 3 dollars

EVERYTHING is 3 dollars

@Ihateyoutwitter

2009-07-23T20:01:00.006-05:00

The internet is a dangerous place. Especially when you have important things to do. Important things to do on an ever encroaching deadline.

Facebook has always been The Devil. And google is like the combined force of every other person (and there are many) who lives in the Devil's Frat House. And you think it can't possibly get worse than all that. Enter Twitter. Twitter, that slutty Gamma Phi Beta has teamed up with the entire Google Devil Fraternity to bring recreational stalking to a whole. New. Level.

Yes, this is something so intense, so dramatic, each word gets its own period.

What happens when an estranged family member you're never met and never want to meet Facebook messages you? You delete it. And when they friend request you? You decline. And when they message you again? And request you again? And again? You block them. Finito......

But what happens when you have very important things to do in a very short time span? You google that person. Just to see. Because you will do anything to avoid your work and are also slightly masochistic. . . And lo and behold: this person has a Twitter account. Freaking Twitter.

And Twitter quickly shows you that this person leads a rather unexceptional existence. . . except that it completely parallels your own. Like, completely. And you are more than a little freaked out. And now you can't get your work done because you just want to eat cookies and and forget that you weird distant relative who you despise on principal is kinda living a version of your life.

And it's your own fault for googling them back in the first place. But Devil Commune that it is, google would have produced very little to bother anyone. Maybe 3 minutes of perusing article titles at most, and it'd all be over and forgotten. But no. It's the Twitter. The damn Twitter. Slutty slutty, gang-banging with the Devil's entire pledge class, Twitter.

I want to be a Meat Scientist!

2009-07-20T09:24:00.003-05:00

Position: Assistant Professor of Meat Sciences
Salary: Unspecified
Institution: University of Alaska at Fairbanks
Location: Alaska
Date posted: 7/20/2009

The University of Alaska Fairbanks Northwest Campus is located in Nome, Alaska. Northwest Campus is part of UAF's College of Rural and Community Development and is located on the west coast of Alaska along the Bering Sea. Because Nome is off the Alaska road system, frequent village travel is by small commuter plane and village accommodations pose unexpected challenges for those without deep rural experiences.

This is a 9-month, non-tenure-track, term-funded position that will be providing instruction in the classroom, labs, and through distance deliver. Instructional areas may include but are not limited to: Reindeer husbandry, nutrition of reindeer, reindeer meat production, slaughtering techniques (according to state and USDA inspection) and value added processing of reindeer meat. The successful candidate must be able to collaborate with researchers to integrate research with current HLRM curriculum to solve scientific/technological/ economic problems relating to meat quality, processing, preservation, microbiology, safety, preparation, distribution and consumption of meat.

A Master of Science degree in reindeer husbandry or management, agricultural education, animal science, agricultural economics or technical agriculture is required. Candidates must have experience or have demonstrated an ability to teach in a multicultural setting.

Interested individuals should go to http://www.uakjobs.com for more information on this position and to submit an application. A cover letter which includes qualifications, a curriculum vitae and three current professional references with complete contact information are required. The position is open until filled.

Contact information: Northwest Campus Phone: 907/443-8400 Northwest Campus Personnel Office or e-mail Gretchen Froehle at nngmf@uaf.edu.

The University of Alaska is an Affirmative Action, Equal Opportunity Employer. Women and minorities are encouraged to apply.

30 Rock = The Muppet Show

2009-06-09T22:08:00.004-05:00

Brian Lynch's article is kind of amazing. Not much to add.

The Traditional Beheading of an Incongruous 80s Rocker at the Tonys

2009-06-07T22:20:00.006-05:00

Hey, Broadway's not for everyone. You'd probably get a little bewitched, bothered and bewildered if this happened to you.

Girls Just Want to be Left Alone!

2009-06-03T00:17:00.006-05:00

It's official: Fox Studios is remaking the 1985 classic dance film Girls Just Want to Have Fun, which featured Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt and Shannon Doherty. And Miley Cyrus is set to star. Ew yuck NO, I say!

I adored this movie growing up. (And totally still do) It is an amazingly ridiculous and ridiculously amazingly homage to the eighties and a contemporary version would hurt my heart to its very core. Just watch the First scene. How could Miley ever begin to illicit such love? And then take a look at the most awesomest grande finale one could ask for.

Even if Helen Hunt, SJP and 12 year old Shannon Doherty were replaceable (which they are so NOT), how could anyone attempt to replicate, or worse- replace, this delightful confection of 80s goodness! Yes, that is what GJWTHF is all about: 80s goodness. And no contemporizing or Miley-izing will ever come close to the brilliance of DANCE TV! (Circa 1985)

But, in case that wasn't argument enough for you, just watch Miley performing the the title track . Ew, yuck, NO!

This post is dedicated to my best friend and cultural savant, Elliot.

Coolest Prom Queen, by Far

2009-05-29T13:10:00.005-05:00

A boy prom queen. Love it. Also, this kid is freakishly wise for an 18 year old. LOVE. IT.

Ooooooooh.

2009-05-24T19:51:00.005-05:00

It's a Memorial Day Tribute. I think they were reading someone's true story about an injured vet. I get it. Okay, that's nice. I excuse the poor writing. And feel appropriately badly for mocking it. Still, whatever talent relations person decided to have Katie "act" out this story, was seriously misguided. Sharing of story: good. Celebrity support: good. Celebrity crap-cting which overshadows touching personal story: bad.

What am I watching?

2009-05-24T19:45:00.005-05:00

Katie Holmes and Diane Weist speaking some very melodramatic words over classical music. Is this some sort of radically bad adaptation of All My Sons? Why has no one realized that Katie Holmes can't act? Why has no one realized this is so bad. What IS this?

Why I love New York in the Springtime

2009-04-25T12:29:00.009-05:00

Because my roommate ran into Ali from MTV's The City (crying anoxeric model) at a hardware store in Chelsea and it turns out, she doesn't actually cry all the time.

Because every high school in the country is having a class trip right now and the streets are filled with large packs of screaming teenagers.

Because Starbucks discontinued my favorite drink and replaced it with a less delicious variation that costs a dollar more.

Tourists. I know I already said school trips, but I love tourists so much they get their own category.

The smells. That's right. Every bodily discharge that covers the streets and subway floors of this city, now smells ten times worse.

And finally, because I become a cranky, boring old lady. I miss the cold.

The Countdown Begins: 25 Days

2009-04-23T19:22:00.017-05:00

Who will be the next love of Jillian's life??? Only time can tell. And ABC. And maybe that guy who blogs all the spoilers. And the vomit theory.

....until Jillian Harris is the new Bachelorette!

OOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!

Actually, she has probably wrapped filming and is happily engaged and is no longer a bachelorette at all. Still, in 25 days we get to relive the journey with her. We will laugh, we will cry, we will vomit in our mouths a little. But it will all be worth it, because she will find love. Well, if we're looking at the statistics of past Bachelor/Bachelorettes probably not. But one thing is for damned sure: we will be entertained.

In honor of Jillian's second reality television show debut, here are the 2.5 (Because 25 will get painful) things I am most looking forward to:

1. Episode 1: Jillian makes all the bachelors dress hotdogs, putting the elusive Hot Dog Theory to the test. (On the Bachelor, Jason chose mustard which meant he was cool AND ready to commit. Maybe that was the exception that proved the rule?) The bachelor who steps up to eat all 25 hot dogs get a rose. He's a keeper because he can consume so much. Get it? He has space in his life for love. If he vomits, he gets booted automatically. Obviously afraid to commit. I like to call this the Vomit Theory.

2. The Finale: Jason's 4 year old son Ty shows up and tells Jillian that Jason made a mistake letting her go. (Jason is unavailable because he's on a cruise with Melissa- yes changed his mind again. They couldn't find a babysitter, gave Ty to ABC.... and those crazy network people put the kid on television, what?)

2.5 This is a half-prediction. An "upper half of the body" prediction, if you will.

Jillian remembers she's on national television and keeps her hands off of the bachelor's asses. Actually she keeps her hands off the entire lower halves of the bachelors. Knees are excepted. As are ankles. Crotches are an obvious no-no. At least with hands. She can always get creative.*

*I'm not calling Jillian a slut. I think she's super awesome. I'm just saying, my rules aren't so rigid. There's room for leeway. And that is really what the Bachelor/ette is all about, right? Leeway. You can choose someone. And then dump them. Because even reality show writers should be allowed to change their minds.

When you turn 25, hotmail deletes your account.

2009-04-09T23:10:00.006-05:00

My first birthday present this year: logging into hotmail to find my e-mail account (the one I've had for some 7 years) no longer exists.

I honestly didn't think 25 was such a big deal. Sure, it's a quarter century. Sure I'm closer to 30 than I am to 18. (SCARY.) And sure, I know that old people have trouble with technology...

But banning you from all e-mail? Or at least your e-mail past? Forced to create an online life anew? All the thousands of e-mails making up my young-adulthood are gone. *THOUGHT: I'm no longer an adult. I am a full-fledged adult. This is bigger than a bar-mitzvah and a confirmation, first menstruation, and loss of virginity altogether!

I'm not scared. It's a brand new stage in life. And Microsoft has ushered me in. It's like a personalized diploma from Bill Gates!

Sure it means I'll lose all contact with everyone I've ever e-mailed, but that's alright. This is more than right of passage - it's religious conversion. Today, I am a brand new person. A 25 year old, with no friends beyond my cellphone contacts and no access to every love letter I received via e-mail since 2002. (Hey, they rack up faster than you might think.)

Maybe I'll open a google account. It just might be time. Oh and Facebook - I'll have to delete that profile, and start one with a new name to go with my new ADULT persona. Maybe get an appropriately adult glamor shot to go with.

I miss cupcakes with number-candles.

***UPDATE***

After a 12 hour glitch in the system that many hotmail users experienced, everything went back to normal. Unfortunately, I had already created a new facebook profile, legally changed my name and gotten a nose job. Oops. Might have jumped the gun a bit.....

Diary of a Procrastinator or The Internet is for Making You Feel Bad About Yourself.

2009-04-06T21:42:00.005-05:00

8:32 - Arrive home. Shouldn't have gone for drink. Or stayed for second. That's okay. Home now. Had a social break. Will be twice as productive now. I can feel it: this is gonna be a good night.

8:45pm - Check e-mail-both accounts, facebook and first account again to make sure there's nothing new.

9:05 - make snack.

9:08 - search for new snack, because first snack was just eating carrots sticks out of the fridge and was not filling.

9:10 - begin elaborate dinner making ritual

9:40 - sit down in front of television (purely for mealtime diversion), but find that most shows are 2/3rds of the way through. That's no way to eat! Go online and watch something (only 22 minutes!) on hulu. First check e-mail (both accounts), facebook and stalk random ex-best friend from elementary school. And her attractive med-school boyfriend (ie- what is wrong with him. How do I find out if he has herpes or is emotionally unavailable?)

10:23 - sit down to work.

10:25 - check e-mail. Just in case there's something new. Just the one account. And one minute on facebook. Check the second e-mail account just for balance.

10:31 - call college friend who lives on the West Coast to catch up. Because you haven't spoken to her in months and you used to be so close. Also, because it's appropriate-phone-call time there.

10:48 - Facebook stalk California friend - her new boyfriend, awesome job, supercool party she attended. Check e-mail when done: maybe I have a super cool life and someone sent me something cool. Nope.

11:10 - Hate self.

11:18 - Google peers who are doing more interesting/ exciting things than me.

12:02am - Hate self alot.

12:06 - snack. Carrot sticks. I'm being healthy. This is good.

12: 07 - Eat chocolate bar that was hidden in freezer.

12:07:48 - Hate self for eating snack. And procrastinatory tendencies. And general failure at life.

12:12 - Hate self for being so self-obsessed. Get back on computer! This is the late night adrenaline rush they all talk about. Life is good.

12:15 - Feel even worse because - a) no new e-mails or facebook messages b) having succumbed to warm glow of computer screen, promising false validation via internet.

12:20 - Look up important things I could do with my life that I'm not doing because I suck.

1:16 - E-mail, E-mail, Facebook, Self-Hatred.

1:22 - No more carrot sticks.

1:24 - Go to 24 hour deli on corner and buy chocolate bar. And one extra to replace secret stash in freezer. Eat both before I get home.

1:34 - Stalk ex-boyfriends on facebook.

1:56 - Hate self for being hatredly hate-worthy.

1:59 - Give self motivational pep-talk. Find renewed self of faith in self and joy in the world. Second wind. (Third wind?) Adrenaline rush.

2:06 - To the computer to finally get some work done! Better is late than never! Life is good! I am woman hear me roar!

2:10 - No internet love. Just self hatred. I gave in to the glow again.

2:20 - brush teeth. Tonight is a lost cause.

2: 24 - no energy to floss. Even though I did absolutely NADA all night. Feel bad about that too.

2:35 - Unable to sleep. Hate self for staying up too late.

2:45 - watch something on computer (only 22 minutes!) to help fall asleep.

3: 07 - wide awake.

3:10 - FUCKING INTERNET WHY NO LOVE!!!!!?!?!?????

3:15am - watch another episode (only 22 minutes!)

11:03am - Awake. Slept through alarm by 3 hours. Missed all sorts of important things. But that's okay. Time to start day. New day. Everything is shiny and new and rife with potential.

SEXTING vs. PLEXTING

2009-03-27T21:33:00.009-05:00

Sexting. You want it. You like it. You're a fourteen old girl who knows how to work your cellphone. Apparently minors sending dirty messages and/or nude pics over the internet/cell-phone-er-net is all the rage.

Now, lots of people are concerned that these minors are being sued for sexual harrasment, even child pornography. Yes - one girl is being convicted of underage child pornography -for sending posting naked pictures of herself online. If she is convicted she will be labelled a sex offender on a permanent criminal record. This is clearly very messed up. I would sooner convict our rather messed up society for inspiring such activity in a girl too young to legally drive. I would also maybe say that if taking pictures of yourself is harassment, then masturbation is rape? I don't have any of these answers. Read Ms. Magazine or something if you want them.

My primary concern is the nature of this "sexting" itself. I'm like: really? Porn? A 13 year old with a blurry unfocused camera-phone flashing her 13 year old crush with her left boob? Netlingo has compiled a list of what it deems most common sexting acronyms among teens. Alot of them are pretty grown-up. But if fourteen year old are really saying FDN to each other, I doubt they are fond of the kind of leather we they think they are.

And I don't think this sexting-craze describes your every day average teenage girl. No, she has other things on her mind. And even if she's saying NIFC (Nude in front of the computer), I doubt that she actually is. She's too insecure about her flat chest, excema on her tummy and fat (they're not actually fat, but she thinks they are) thighs. Yes, teens sometimes get naked in front of each other. And that can lead to sex. But it's hella awkward. The average teen girl is too busy thinking about the less glamorous, less sexy things real teens think about to be writing her own X-rated movie staring her self.

What is it that she's thinking about, you ask? Well, happily for you, I have compiled a list of a few. And I call it PLEXTING C2009 for that oh so awkward and perplexing age that the CW (which I adore) sometimes makes us forget.

SELECTED PLEXTING GLOSSARY:

HDYKIYMGTM - How do you know if you mom's going through menopause?

JFOMUHTC - Just found out my uncle has testicular cancer

TWTSFFF - tampon was too small - fuck!

SCOB - Serious case of bacne [back-acne, for you geezers out there]

TTCBFFF - think the condom broke fuck!

PTNIC - Pregnancy test negative. In the clear.

IAMOWMC - I accidentally made out with my cousin

UI2BR? - You into Battlestar?

3I- Is Incest Illegal?

URXCD -I think you are dyslexic

PD/URPN - I peed on your phone.

So come on people. Let's give these tweens some sympathy, condoms and maybe a copy of a Judy Blume novel. But a lawsuit is just TRPCW! (Totally Retarded in a PC way)

The Rumors were true

2009-03-03T02:02:00.001-05:00

Traded in Melissa for Molly. From kinda dumb 25 year old to less dumb 24 year old. Still unclear as to whether the move constitutes an upgrade...

Don't be Spoiler Spoil Sport: The Bachelor and Beyond

2009-02-23T23:05:00.008-05:00

Ohmygoodness Ohmygoodness! Can anyone say scandal?

To catch you up, if you don't live and breath ABC's The Bachelor 24/7. C-list Hollywood gossip columnists and devoted reality tv watchers everywhere are going craaaaazy!

So, first a dude posted a video on youtube.com claiming he'd figured out which lucky lady Jason Mesnick proposes to in the season finale. That "spoiler" is here.

Then, some guy named Reality Steve, posted alot of long rambling posts and longer rambling videos of himself, the content of which basically amount to this:

Jason liked Molly all along, but ABC told Jason he had to pick Melissa and so he proposes to Melissa in the Finale. ABC really wanted us to see the Pinky Ring Fakeout because... In one of two post-show specials (to air next Monday and Tuesday) Jason will dumps her for Molly. The reason: ratings. It's a big dramatic audience shocker.

[ABC has been promoting a "shocking" "unprecedented" aftershow. Apparently, the aftershow was "so dramatic, so emotionally difficult" ABC decided to film it without the usual live audience "out of respect for the parties involved". (You can see the awesome preview here.) It is ok, mind you, to broadcast it to 12 million homes. Hmmm. Fishy.] You can find the full thirty-minute Reality Steve experience here. Caution: do not operate heavy machinery while reading or watching, you may fall asleep.

This all brings us pretty much up to date. Which is where my question comes in.

So this speculation (true or not) has lead to many angry fans shunning and eschewing Sweet Sweet Jason Mesnick. Was Jason in on the plan all along? Was he "playing" Melissa just to break her heart and boost the ratings? (Jason, who put his 4 year on television. Twice. And who had no problem rejecting 23 other crying women on live television. ) No, Jason would never do such a thing to Molly! They had a real connection! It's unimaginable.

But my real conundrum is this: everyone is all up in arms at ABC at the sheer notion that...... get ready.........

SOMETHING ON A TELEVISION SHOW MIGHT BE PLANNED OR ORCHESTRATED!

What? No! Couldn't be! The editors, producers, writers that bring us Bachelor Episodes every week never plan anything! Seriously? Come on people. You can love the Bachelor. You can love to hate the Bachelor, you can love to hate to love the Bachelor..... but you love it because it is a television show. That is all. If you wantde to watch real people fall in love free of intervention - go hang out on match.com or okcupid.com or sit in a bar on ladies night. Maybe even find a boyfriend of your own, even. Whatever.

But don't be mean to my one true love, Reality TV, just because it's not reality. Come on, you knew that already. Just like you know you'll never be a contestant on the show because you don't look like this in a bikini. For those of you living under a rock (or living an actual life) that's Melissa. Possible fiance and possible ex-fiance of The Bachelor #32, Jason Mesnick.

I guess we'll all have to wait till next Monday to find out the truth when we watch the Finale. Or maybe the hour long after show after the two hour finale. Sorry, the two hour long After-After Show the day after the after show and finale. Wait a second - I'm going to watch FIVE HOURS of Bachelor related programming in two days? I am ABC's bitch. But it feels so good....

How to be more productive. Part I

2008-05-13T22:45:00.004-05:00

Background: I am not productive. I want to be. And so, a scientific study to test what does indeed make one more productive.
Hypothesis: Sometimes I get things done. Sometimes. So something is going to be the reason for that.

And tonight, the first installment...

Method
Eating an entire box of baby spinach, followed by an entire box of Teddy Grahams.

Observations
-short term enjoyment (teddy grahams more so then spinach)
-tummy aches later
-net time spent on facebook: too much.

Productivity Scale (measured from 1-Productive)
6.2

Inferences
Really, I accomplished nothing. BUT we're giving some points for inhibiting hunger which has proven adverse effects on productivity.

Conclusion
The search continues.....

The Truth and Nothing but the Truthiness

2008-03-27T18:21:00.008-05:00

In 2005 Colbert jokingly coined the term "truthiness" to describe things that people "know to be true from the gut", making fun of El Presidente of course. (You can read more about it on the omnicient wikipedia) Ok. That's funny. Silly President, facts are for kids! Tee hee...

And yet... Lately I have had the pleasure of being lectured on "The Truth" by a number of intelligent, rational liberal folk like myself. You know, those people that are watching Colbert and laughing? I believe it was Bill Maher who said he no longer likes touring colleges campuses. Once the bastions of liberal thought and debate, these schools are all lefty-bandwagon-y and and no debate or thought. Everyone's all "I'm a liberal hear me roar, rah rah rah!". Which is cool. And I agree with their causes a lot of the time. And yet.... isn't Academia is supposed to be the home of open dialogue and discussion? Still, we can chock it down to those crazy eager college kids, always rallying wrecklessly one way or the other.

So, why do I keep getting yelled at, by grown-ups, with the likes of:"You don't KNOW the truth. THIS is the truth!"(And trust me, the only person who can pull off lines like that is Jack Nicholson.) Of course this sentence is followed with long rants about people's opinions, angry feelings and things read on some random website (...maybe here? Hmmm? Hmmm. No, probably not.) They are just PEOPLE YELLING AT ME. WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? Why is "The Truth" comprised of your angry opinion and baseless generalizations and nary a reference or example. Since when is the truth fact-free? Sounds like a pretty suspicious truth to me.

It's depressing is what it is. Don't get me wrong, if you're a postmodern novelist I welcome your depictions of your own truths. But if we're talking about history or politics and going for The Truth, that comprehensive, indisputable holy grail, shouldn't we at least try to get all the facts first? And maybe listen to some other opinions?

It is concerning. It is disturbing. It feels like I'm living in 1984 and all my friends and colleagues subscribe religiously to the Ministry of Truth e-mail group.

And yet..... I shut up, listen and nod. Not because I agree, but because Truth Yellers won't shut up until you do. Which thoroughly sucks. And that's the truth.

"Time to get on my high, white, privilleged horse and ride off into the sunset of racism and chauvinism" ... or EW!

2008-03-22T12:08:00.008-05:00

I just finished reading the March 20th article in Slate :"… And Baby Makes Two" Forget Juno. Out-of-wedlock births are a national catastrophe" by Emily Yoffe.

I am so offended. As a woman. As a human. As someone with a "college education" who learned more than: marriage to rich white men is good. AAAAAAAAAAARRGGGHH!

I'm too icked out to even know where to start rebutting. So, I leave it to you, dear readers, to analyze and fear for feminists and foes of, what - racism and discrimination and economic segregation, and uh- small mindedness - everywhere.

http://www.slate.com/id/2185944/?GT1=38001

THE WORST OF THE WEPISODES!!!

2008-03-08T16:12:00.007-05:00

I just came across this new "show" called In the Motherhood. An online "show conceived by Suave and Sprint".

Ohmygod this is so bad. SO BAD. I really don't have much to say. Just watching it is joke enough.
Leah Remini: why have you stooped so low? What happened to your fine work on King of Queens? Old School? Save by the Bell even? I get that Jenny McCarthy saw this as a step up.
But Chelsea Handler--weren't you supposed to be a promising edgy comedian? What happened?

WHY ladies, why? Was it for the money? Because this is actually just an extended commercial campaign. For something. What? Condoms?

OMG what was Lebanon thinking when she wore those shoes???

2008-03-06T17:32:00.012-05:00

In Gaza, the militant group Hamas praised the attack but stopped short of claiming responsibility, The A.P. reported. Thousands of people poured into the streets to celebrate, firing rifles in the air. “We bless the operation. It will not be the last,” Hamas said in a text message sent to reporters, according to The A.P.

- NYTimes

Seriously? A text message? If Israel ignores Hamas at the bar, and Hamas makes out with Israel's boyfriend in retaliation, I'm pitching a reality series to MTV.

* * * *

Update: On March 18th the 26 year old Moroccan man sentenced to 3-years in jail for making a fake facebook profile for the Moroccan Prince was freed and let off of the charges. Which is awesome. I'm thinking we set the Prince up on a blind date and it turns out to be his Facebook Faker, and they fall in love. It's sort of a stand alone episode. Their families disown them and they elope. Iran boycotts the gay wedding, Dubai is the uber-cool party-planner, and Saudi Arabia is the crazy uncle who shows up with lots of presents. Israel and Palestine don't make the guest list and end up going to a diner in their formal wear and falling in love over a malted. But in the next episode, the relationship fizzles pretty fast.

Pretty People Have Gossip too

2008-03-01T00:36:00.011-05:00

Today a friend of mine, upon finding out I have an oh-so-secret-blog, asked if I wrote about people I know, but gave them fake names. "Pseudonyms", if you will. I responded in the negative, but it got me thinking. Why don't I talk about people and disguise their identities? Gossip Girl does it.

Living my life by these two simple rules: do as Gossip Girl does and always listen to what your friends say, I am going to try something new. As it so happens, an acquaintance of mine has gotten himself into quite the pickle as of late. So, in a super special edition, I am going to write about people I know using initials. Here's the catch: I'm going to use initials for pseudonyms, not their real names. So you'll just have to guess. (And also pretend you actually knew these people in the first place) Here goes:

I recently found that my super judgmental friend R was secretly seeing M while M had a girlfriend. And THEN, while doing so, she cheated on him with C. All the while lecturing others on their infidelities. Uh oh R, looks like that horse is more of a pony, and you're about to fall off.

As R and M hashed their feelings out, M was also telling our dear friend L that he had feelings for her, but couldn't do anything, because of his girlfriend (whom he was also cheating on, with R). But, one "fake girlfriend" and one secret girlfriend, didn't stop him from starting to see yet another woman - B, also secretly.

So, M has made up one fake girlfriend, so he can have secret affairs with two friends simultaneously, while rejecting a third friend. And now? He's started seeing a new woman in "public", but trying to keep it a secret from the entire harem. Yes, I could not make this up if I tried.

I say: watch out M. It looks like all that secrecy is about to unravel faster that a roll of one-ply.

I hope you enjoyed this Special Edition of Pretty People Have Gossip too.
It's a good thing none of the people mentioned read this. I hope.

XOXO,
Pretty Girl

Why say it when you can sing it? Or: At least Sarah made up her own lyrics...

2008-02-26T00:06:00.013-05:00

MUSIC VIDEOS: The future of public discourse

Forget phones. Forget e-mail. Forget face to face, debates and opinion papers.
The music video, my friends. The music video is the form of the future.

I know what you're thinking: music videos? Do recording artists still make those? MTV doesn't even play music videos anymore! But I'm talking not talking about music videos created by musicians. Those are a thing of the past. The music video has been elevated from mere popular culture, to serious forum for public discourse.

Just one thing: I'm pretty sure the Sarah Silverman one came first. And that was a joke. But props to the Obama peeps. YES YOU CAN can sing along to a speech. Yes you can! But seriously: you couldn't even get that kid from Superbad?

Kimmel gets Harrison Ford, while Presidential candidate gets that lady who's on Grey's Anatomy--sorry: who used to be on Grey's Anatomy?

One thing's for sure people. We're not post-ironic anymore. We're post-post-ironic. And so, I usher in a new era!

Sarah Silverman's F*cking Matt Damon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnVJZkDuVBM
Jimmy's Kimmel's F*cking Ben Affleck
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85gBtDNdA8g&feature=related

Obama: Yes We Can
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yq0tMYPDJQ&NR=1
McCain: Yes He Can
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX6qvzx_wUs

Note of the Day....

2008-02-26T00:01:00.004-05:00

"Can you make it more latin?"

context:
A wise professors note on a student's writing, which was about nothing particularly ethnic in any direction. Followed by...

"You have words like 'full breasts' and 'barely beautiful' which just feels so latin"

Seriously. I maintain: MFA = Master of Funny Apples

Apartment Etiquette, PART I *

2008-02-10T23:30:00.003-05:00

Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff once said: "Parent's just don't understand." Well, dear Willy and Jazz: I've got news for you: neither do roommates.

I have reached that fabulous point in shared living, where my apartment has begun to straddle that fine line between hostel and tenement. A line, quite frankly, one does not want to be on either side of.

Over the last two months I have had my roommate's: friend and sister of friend, mother and friend of mother, friend and boyfriend of said friend (who somehow managed to both leave the seat up AND leave pee on the actual toilet seat every time he went to the bathroom).

And so, I am inspired to let those fabulous twenty-somethings out there who have oh so fabulous roommates and an even more fabulous barrage of house guests know that YOUR HOUSEGUESTS ARE NOT FABULOUS. On the contrary, there are annoying, infuriating, rude, bothersome and unhygienic. In case you are one of those people, to whom this is all new information, please read on for a few pointers to make people hate you less:

Notification. Being awoken at 1 am by knocking was almost as good as when a dude I had never seen or heard of before, unlocked my door at 11pm on a Saturday night telling me, "It's ok, I'm __'s houseguest." No, it is not ok. Who the F%ck are you? Why do you have a key? And why did NO ONE tell me????

Group guests. Who said that was allowed? It's one thing if you live alone. It is very different when you have multiple roommates and one bathroom. And group guests always stay longer because they think they are on a free vacation. WRONG! It's not free. It is at the expense of the sanity of your roommate host (the one who never even knew you in the first place, and just had to sit on your the peed-on toilet seat), not to mention the electric bill, and the water bill, and all the food you keep eating. Oh. And a living room is really not the place for a romantic getaway. Your own living room, yes. Someone else's? NO. Believe or not, the stranger who's home your are staying in REALLY does not want you doing those things on their couch. I promise. So stop. Or at least put down a sheet.

Your presence is not a present. It is the opposite, and social etiquette dictatesthat you buy things to make up for your gluttonous sloth. We're not picky: bottle of wine, a box of chocolates even a roll of toilet paper... Group guests are especially negligent in this arena. I don't know why. It's like they think bringing a second stranger into your home is gift enough. Au contraire, mon amie. Au contraire. Two of you means there should be a bigger present, not no present at all.

I know. I seem a just a bit obnoxious. But think of this: how would your feel if I showed up at your house with my boyfriend and best friend in tow, ate your food, used all the hot water, peed on your toilet seat, fornicated on your couch and didn't even bring you a cookie. Barring the idea that you're a complete pervert, or desperately lonely, you wouldn't like it either.

So, in sum, all I ask is this:

1. Let your host know
2. Stay for a weekend, not a week. Go home- that's where you're supposed to be most of the time.
3. Bring a present
4. If you bring a friend, bring two presents and don't have sex on the couch.

5. DON'T PEE ON THE FREAKING TOILET SEAT.

And the best part? Do all this and you won't have to sleep with one eye open.

*Please note all examples and accounts are purely fictional. Any resemblance they may have to real people or events is pure coincidental.

Does this mean Brooklyn is cool again?

2008-01-22T17:29:00.002-05:00

In a September 30th article in the New York Times, titled Brooklyn's Fragile Eco-System, writer Alex Williams questioned whether Brooklyn was still "cool", now that Heath Ledger had moved out of the Brooklyn home he shared with Michelle Williams, for hipper pastures in Manhattan.

Now apparently, dear Heath has gone and croaked in Manhattan proper. Of a drug over dose in ...Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment? Wait: is she the one with the eating disorder or the drug problem--because if it's the latter that'd make some sense, I guess. But apparently, Mary-Kate was out of town and Heath was waiting for a personal masseuse to come over? Seriously. Read the article in the Times that drastically changes every four minutes. Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing. Is Manhattan cool or not? Why is Heath hanging out alone at an Olsen twins apartment? Why did a twenty-eight year old A-list hottie need to hire someone to give him a massage?

Or wait. Maybe it does make sense. Let's see. Heath Ledger used to be partnered with Michelle Williams, Mary-Kate played half of the character of Michelle Tanner on Full House. That can't be a coincidence....

Ok, I have no clue what's going on, but I do know this. Heath may have moved out of Boerum Hill, but he died in Soho. I know this is a sad day. Seriously, it's horrible. I'm just curious if this is going to lead to a correction in the Style Section, letting us know that, because it just lost Ledger as a resident, Manhattan is slipping in the cool radar as well.

And perhaps, the whole world is a little less cool today, having lost Heath as a resident. And so we're left with an island, and a world, that is a little less cool and a whole lot sadder.

Here's to Heath. Who goes to Heaven I hope, and makes the pearly gates just a little bit cooler...

Why my family is weirder than your family Part II

2007-12-22T01:47:00.001-05:00

What I learned having dinner with a side of the family I haven't seen in some time (and now remember why I haven't.....)

A Rubric of How to Gage a Presidential Candidate's Potential:

1. how ugly the candidate's spouse is (the uglier the spouse, the worse the candidate)

2. what kind of terminal illness the candidate has/ had

3. whether said candidate likes Jesus ("because people who like Jesus are so nice!)

4. how attractive the candidate is. (Note, this is of less importance than the attractiveness quotient of the spouse, but still important)
a. Does their face look strange or stupid?
b. Do they look at all like the opposite gender?

c. Do they just seem inexplicably weird to you?

5. Do they talk to dead babies?
This one necessitates a little further clarification.
Apparently, John Edwards, in arguing a malpractice case, spoke about how the hurt 9 month old baby must have felt when it was delivered poorly by a doctor and ended up sick.
Apparently, this is bad, and makes him a nut-case.
However, it is ok to believe that eggs are people, sperm have feelings, and week old fetuses should have freedom of expression, while grown-up women should not.

Hopefully, this will make picking your candidate much easier.

Too much? Maybe. But dinner was 5 hours long and the wine stopped coming by hour 2.

Deep thoughts for the end of the week at the end of the month...

2007-09-28T17:14:00.003-05:00

There's suddenly a lot less to blog about, once you have a real job. Not that I would know, seeing as I don't have one of those. Still, that's what people say. I just got lazy. But alot has happened in the last couple of months.

1. I moved into the building where Stanley Tucci once lived.
2. I inherited a dying cat.
3. I now use the same bathroom as Haley Joel Osment.
That's not true-I use the girls' and he uses the boys'. But still, they're right next to each other.
I pee in the room beside the room where Haley Joel Osment pees. On Thursdays. The room where he pees on Thursdays.

There are also those who say that people without real jobs, have nothing interesting to blog about. Well, clearly I've just proved them wrong.

Things I learned on my first day of graduate school…

2007-08-29T15:54:00.001-05:00

1. Always use a condom.
2. Don’t leave your friends drunk and alone at the bar.
3. Anyone can make a movie.
4. Ideas come from everywhere.
5. Go to Montauk.

I kid you not.

Kinda makes me wonder if MFA actually stands for Masters of Funny Apples?

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I.... SUPRISE!!! I was just kidding about hating you! I love you say YES!!!

2007-07-04T10:54:00.001-05:00

The other day, on a commercial break, I flipped to A Wedding Story. The groom was talking about his engagment and how the month before, he told his girlfriend that he didn't believe in marriage and didn't want to marry her, so that she would have "no idea" that he was about to propose and be "completely surprised". And then I flipped back to Friends. (The fact that I spend the my evenings watching re-runs of Friends and reality wedding shows is completely beside the point. But I do acknowledge that I have a problem.) On Friends, Chandler spends a whole episode convincing Monica he doesn't want to get married, so that he can carry-out his own surprise engagement.

Intrigued, yesterday I watched two more seemingly well-intentioned men sneak around, deceive their girlfriends and plan elaborately bizarre clandestine encounters..... Oh and did I mention this was an engagement-reality tv show? And so I ask: isn't it a little mind-boggling that our idea of romance correlates to how much we keep the woman in the dark? And I'm not talking about doing it with the lights off...

What's the idea? To catch her completely off guard so she can't say no? Have her so shaken and shocked and confused that despite her gripes and reservations, she's so amazed by the fact that you bought 1000 lime-colored helium balloons and lied about your whereabouts all week, that she'll decide "Yes!" on the spot? And for the "I'm not a marrying kind of guy... no wait: I am!" approach: is it that you want to first depress her, so that, in comparison, your proposal will make her happy, thus making her think she's actually ecstatic about spending her life with you, and not just at the prospect of no longer being rejected?

I know, I know. Lots of people love each other and want to get married and a well-planned engagement shows you care or something. Still, when you think about it, isn't it a little strange that our ultimate choice of life partners is based on the extent to which they execute deception? Or rather, the extent to which a given eligible bachelor can take control over a situation, leaving the lady rather agency-less, and smiling because of it? Is it 1957? I think maybe. Only with better hair.

Actually I take that last part back too. The reality show bride always wears waaaay to much hairspray. And the future-fiance never knows she's going to be transported straight from her morning work-out to a romantic restaurant and a couple million viewers at home and, as such, does not take the time to blow-dry.

Why my family is weirder than your family PART I

2007-06-24T00:27:00.000-05:00

Breakfast....

My story recounting the night before at the bar yields such questions as "What is an arborist?" "What is a douchebag" and "Why are you laughing" (this one directly followed the prior question) . My sister bemoans the replacement of Smallville at 2am with some random anime movie. (We like to watch and point out the homoerotic moments between Clark and Lex) I offer up Frasier instead. Remiss, she just wants to go to bed depressed and disheartened.

Dinner...

My mom has begun to lovingly refer to me as "douchebag". She thinks it's funny.

My sister has cut out an article about wrestling, that really looks like softcore gay porn. The picture is of one wrestler, taking another one from behind, if you will. The title is A fight to the finish, with fists or fingernails. Yah. We spend the next 20 minutes highlighting the ambiguously sexual sentences. And giggling. Alot.

Tea for 3 at 2 (in the am)...

Mom: Sweet dreams douchebag!
Me: GAY SEX!

Mom: What?

Sister: Smallville is on!

Mom: Goodnight douchebag!

Me: (giggle)

Sister: Don't make fun of me in your blog!

End of PART 1 ....

Craigslist: the place to Live out your teen-movie/softcore porn dreams...

2007-06-22T16:05:00.002-05:00

So, clearly (and perhaps inevitably?) this blog has quickly become the forum for me to a) whine about facebook and b) laugh at craigslist ads. Nonetheless, we're just going to embrace it for now and hope that I start interacting more with the outside world and find some more interesting material soon. Until then, I love this ad:

NEED HIP HOP CHOREOGRAPHER
Reply to: gigs-357612**7@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-22, 2:48AM EDT
So I'm a 20 yr old girl just needing a (male) choreographer who can teach me hip hop a couple times a week preferably dances to Usher or JT videos. I do not have money to offer but I will return the favour in other ways. I don't have a place to do this so you will need to host this as well.

Facebook is Forever.... No, wait: a diamond is forever, Facebook is for f!@#$ annoying me....

2007-06-21T13:48:00.001-05:00

I really do love facebook. I do. Sadly, I am quite addicted. I like poking people. I like making fun of friends' fashion faux-pas in drunken pictures. I like it when a long lost kindergarten compadre adds me as a friends and I see my magic number go from 349 to 350 friends (the fact that I communicate with 12 of them is besides the point).

BUT if I have to find out, via facebook, that one more early-20-something friend (read: high school or college aquaintance) is getting married, I will scream. Again.

There's the change of "relationship status" to engaged, the change of away message to "Betsy is: SO happy and loves Bob so much and is so excited and check out her ring in my album titled "THE RING!!! :) !!!!!" where we have pics from EVERY ANGLE!" Oh-and then there is my favourite. I saw on a mutual friend's wall - "Hey M! - msg me as to whether you can make it to my reception on Sept 20! Hope to see you there!!"

There is a reason we send wedding invitations in the mail. A reason we didn't replace them by the phone, or fax or e-mail--or now facebook. Not just because it's classier, but because weddings are kind of a big deal. As in: it's not the same as having a party at your sorority house. As in: you're making a much bigger commitment that just deciding on a dress to wear for one day. As in: you're going to have pictures courtesy of real-live photographer, and not a camera phone. Now, if you feel that the ripe old age of 22 and your high school boyfriend are the stuff plans-for-entire-rest-of-lives are made of, godspeed. But for godsakes, get off of facebook and go register for a blender or something.

Craigslist: my never-ending source of amusement (Or: We're not in Idaho anymore)

2007-06-06T18:27:00.001-05:00

Females needed for Vagina Catalogue!
Reply to: gigs-346324194@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-06, 3:38PM EDT

Females of all types required for our new concept, "The Vagina Catalogue!. Shots were taken in the past but, things didn't turn out as planned. We now need to do it again. If seriously interested, please email asap and mention your preferred time. We pay $20.00 per half hour shoot! Easy money, fun fun fun!!!

The joke's on....who?

2007-06-05T15:27:00.001-05:00

A friend's last night in town. A porch. A couple of beers. A cool summer breeze. Nothing to do for at least another 10 hours, before it was time for the Monday morning commute. It was one of those nights.

As sunset faded into sunrise, my friends and I began to pull out some good ol' jokes. I had one. a someone else had another, and someone else shared another. Each was funnier than the last. Not, perhaps, because of the actual jokes content. Not even because of the numerous six packs.... It was just so damn funny. Or fun, perhaps, is more apt. And so, having shared the handful of quips the composed our communal repertoire, we decided we needed more.

Enter: the internet. Or rather, the wireless laptop. Shiny, fast, pretty and oozing with webpages made by people with less taste and more time than us. A google search of "jokes" will yield gazillions of pages. You can also narrow down the exact type of joke you're looking for: "Your momma jokes", "German jokes, "Dirty jokes", "dead baby jokes" (which I still, for some mysterious reason, just don't get), "Hellen Keller jokes" (which I still, for some mysterious reason, just love) ...... You name it, and you can find a joke about it! (I realize as I write this, that my hatred of dead baby jokes and love of Hellen Keller jokes may reflect the fact that my sense of humour has an age range of about 9-12 years old.)

Well, this gave us another hour's worth of material. And a whole new game, with different rules. In this one, one person read the jokes straight off the computer. It was sort of like adding a third party to the joke equation: the computer told the joke, the reader relayed it, the audience laughed.

But something about all felt very.... un-fulfilling. Like, kissing someone you sorta, kinda, maybe like: It's all good and fun, until you come up for air.

I realized (cue sappy music) that the beauty of the joke-telling-experience is not the joke itself, not even the delivery, but the teller him or herself. Nothing beats watching your incredibly squeamish friend finally purge the word "pussy", or seeing your friend laugh his way through a joke about rabbits that doesn't even make sense, because in his bizarrely twisted mind is brilliant.

And so, in keeping with my grandmother-like nostalgia (see: my internet-less love live in Facebook is for Lovers, or my desire for prudishness is entertainment in Am I doing it Wrong? Or is sex the new kitchen sink?) I will once again put the mild contempt back into contemporary culture.....

I would rather hear one, genuinely recounted joke, passed on from multitudes of drunken bartenders, or sugar-high six year olds, than a thousand hilarious jokes, categorized alphabetically with a rating out of 10 for "dirtiness".

So, today, go tell someone you love a bad joke. And tell it horribly. They'll thank you. Or throw a drink in your face. Either way, I guarantee you'll be met with laughter.

When the end is nigh, and Bruce Willis isn’t there to save you

2007-05-27T09:13:00.002-05:00

Disclaimer: I'd just like to emphasize, that I am a creative writer. I am in no way qualified to assess things like risk and national security. And I have nothing against this company. I think it's a great business idea and it is with satiric lightheartedness that I write this.

Yesterday, in my internet travels I came across a Canadian business venture called "The Marshall Project" that quite amused me. It is run by what seems to be a somewhat legit finance company (they, after all, advertise on the all-powerful facebook). The pitch: it's a private walled in community/fortress, at a secret location that you can pay to live in in the event of national/ global disaster or "unrest" as they call it. The Marshall Base features, an 8 foot tall wall, guards, reserves of food and water, military resources and entertainment facilities, just in case you get bored. Or maybe to blow out the brains of attacking-aliens with music. A nominal monthly fee with guarantee your spot there, as well as transportation to said location in the event of massive emergency.

Ok, so for a second let's forget all the big hypotheticals, like: If there is a massive disaster, is a gated community really going to withstand the impact? If there is a "regional conflict" as they say, how can the prevent people from potentially conflicted regions from signing up? (Maybe that answer, is that these people are rich and stupid. So, there won't be anyone too controversially poor signing up? A symptom of the inequity from which this regional unrest that we're hiding from maybe come from? Maybe?)

Forgoing all that, we’re still left with a few holes that I'm wondering about. The website promises that their cars (armored, which are definitely good at driving through mobs of people and nuclear fires, nonetheless, I shall go on....) will drive you to the secretly-located safe haven, if you will. Now, all we know is that this secretly-located safe haven is located somewhere in Canada whose land area encompasses approximately 1o million killometres. (9,922,385 sq. km to be exact).

Now, it would take about a week, to drive across Canada, driving about 12 hours a day. And this is not factoring various routes being closed due to asteroids or alien armies. And assuming the bombs and asteroids don’t get you on your hours of driving in open road across country, that’s a lot of gas to find. Maybe these cars are solar-powered? Still, if the sun has ceased to burn, ain’t non’a’that either. Still, I get that these are paltry logistical details. Moving on, there's a national disaster, chaos ensues, and these business dudes call up their drivers, who leave their families to come get you? From wherever they are located? Well, maybe their families are also being taken there-by other drivers? Wait a minute....

And the guarantee, I'm guessing is a contract. After all, this is a business investment. Which is awesome. Because when the world is ending, if they don't send out their drivers to transport you to the secret location, you can always sue. Let's just hope that all the courts of law don't get destroyed. But maybe we'll be onto an online-justice system by then... Speaking of which, I hope this place has wireless...

Oh, and did I mention that the parent company bills itself as "Canada’s premier New Venture research & implementation company" but that all their contact information is in Hong Kong? Now, I realize I just may be tempting the fates. And one day these guys may be laughing at me in their safe, walled in community as they begin to re-populate the earth. Still, for now, I'll choose to spend the $400 yearly fee on late-night cabs, a fire extinguisher and locks for my doors to protect me. And use the $1000 initiation fee to start my own shady business plan.

Call me old fashioned, by I'm not ready to give up on the world quite yet. And feel free to quote and mock me come Armageddon. Check it out, have a laugh, hell-sign up if you want to, at: http://www.themarshallproject.com/

We're not in the playhouse anymore....

2007-05-24T20:43:00.004-05:00

So, apparently washed out 80s stars are making comebacks beyond the world of sex, syringes and sonograms at Seattle Grace.

The Once and Future Pee-wee from the NYTimes

To be honest, I was never a fan of Mr. Herman myself. But, he was funny in 30 Rock. And so I shall proclaim this, May 24 to be Pee Wee Herman Memorial Day.

I was going to leave a clip from an appearance on Letterman, but by the time I got through the first of 10 minutes, I remembered why I never liked Pee Wee. He was damn annoying. Nonetheless, this is a 60 second clip of him and underpants. It's a fun little meta romp, given his eventual arrest for indecent exposure. They are some underpants that are just too big to fill.

And so, these five minutes being five minutes longer than I ever thought I'd devote to the man, the maniac, the myth, I sign out with the Vulcan Peace Props Haiku. Or whatever they called it. Because I used to think he kinda looked like one.

Live Long and Prosper
Or be a tv star, Just
Don't show you pee-wee

Kids these days just don't appreciate their history!

2007-05-23T01:14:00.001-05:00

Attending an 80s night a bar I regularly cavort, I've begun to feel more and more ill at ease as my peers dance wildly and sing along to the song from St. Elmo's Fire like it's another song in the Grease Medley. Pourquoi? I know that butchered t-shirts and ass-shaping leggings are cool with the kids these days. Even big earrings. And I know, back in the day when all of this was cool the first time around, I wasn't old enough to wear blue eyeshadow, let alone go to a store by myself. Still, I was a child of the 80s and sometimes I feel like no one understands me.

I won't even preface this with anecdotes about oblivious friends, who pride themselves on their alleged knowledge of popular culture.... Suffice to say, all those kids watching Grey's Anatomy are oblivious its historical underpinnings.

They're forgiven for not knowing that Dr. Meredith Gray's fake-mommy (dad's new wife, recently killed off) was played by Mare Winningham. Mare was an original Brat Pack member and loser-of-V-Card-to-Rob-Lowe in one of THE definining films of that era. But Patrick Dempsey? People have no idea that before McDreamy was making love to Meredith, Ronald Miller was trying to buy some love from Cindi Mancini. And that is just plain wrong.

And so, I humbly offer these links as a mere starting point, a by no means comprehensive sampling of some of my favourite windows into the decade. But, if you're going to crimp your hair and pretend to know who the Bangles are, please take a second to inform yourself.

Crash Course on the Brat Pack
Fame
Belinda Carlisle
Live Aid
Say Anything
The Wonder Years (watch online!)

I will keep adding to this compendium. Feel free to contribute...

No YOU da ho!

2007-05-22T23:27:00.001-05:00

So a good friend of mine recently announced that he was leaving New York. Along with the list of reasons you’d expect to find: the pace, the daily grind, the competition, the corporate culture - there was also a rather unique reason. Apparently there is so much crazy (and very creative) sex made available via Craiglist, it can turn the most timid experimenter into an over-booked, over-sexed , sleep-deprived former-psychology major.

Not one to be abandoned by a friend to the Bermuda triangle that is the Midwest, I decided to take this as a challenge and see what I could find in a less cosmopolitan, decidedly less sex-and-the-city city then well, THE city. I gave myself 15 minutes on Craigslist, to see how readily available and kinky the sex could be somewhere else. We went with Idaho. Seemed average enough - even tame. What follows are my scientifically sound findings.

The more relationship-oriented sections (M4M, W4M, etc.) that are a mix of nice and naughty on NYCL, turned out to be pretty homogeneously "nice" in Idaho. But I knew where to look for the salacious stuff…

First I tried Missed Connections. Disappointingly, it wasn’t quite the --“we banged in the 6th floor bathroom, and then 5th. Call me and we’ll do it again of the 3rd” of NYCL. Nowhere near, in fact. Par example:

man w donuts n milk at walmart on [date] late night - w4m - 19 you had milk and donuts, facial hair. i joked i would kick ur shit outta the way if you went to go get jelly filled donuts, you were REALLY REALLY sexy hit me up if you read this if you can tell me the last thing you said to me ill know it was you !! or not just wanted to let you know i thought you were sexy !!

Nonplussed, I moved on to Miscellaneous Romance. There I found a number of adds, much like this one:

Cute Couple Seeks Woman of Interest - mw4w - 32 Cute Boise couple in their early 30's seek a woman 20 to 35 for Summer fun. From camping and boating to simply hanging out for a backyard BBQ and hottubing, this could be one of the best summers ever! Seeking an intellegent, attractive non-smoker comfortable around two well behaved kids. Drop us a line with a few pictures if you have any interest.

Ok, so in Idaho, miscellaneous romance isn’t the place where you divulge really bizarre sexual fantasies and ask for helpers. Apparently that’s just New York. In Idaho, you have a polite threesome and then have a BBQ with the kids.

Before I was ready to give up and admit defeat to child-friendly summer fun and winking at the Walmart, there was still Casual Encounters. From my research, in the NY version, this section is the least colourful--pretty much quick, to the point requests for one-night stands. Still, I had a few minutes left on the clock….

And lo and behold, I was not disappointed! I won’t give any direct quotes, for fear of my grandmother finding out I even know how to spell certain words. But, there were adds for gang-bangs with lactating women, orgies (read: m4m4m4m4m4m4m4m), amateur porn, and some much more exciting and truly bizarre stuff, that I even feel dirty typing. (But you can see for yourself at www.craigslist.com)

In conclusion, it would seem that there are sketchy (or sexually open, whatever your opinion…) people everywhere. Even in Idaho. There, they just have more tact and are a little better at compartmentalizing. Casual Encounters is the place for it all, should you ever find yourself alone and frisky in the Gem State (abundant in natural resources as it is!).

And so, dear friend, I beg you not to leave New York because you can have kinky sex everywhere. And if you stay here, I volunteer to help you keep to a moderate activity schedule, so you'll have time for all of your sexcapades, your job and racquetball too!

Facebook is for Lovers

2007-05-19T07:43:00.002-05:00

Facebook relationships are fleeting. Or so a wise friend once told me.

And yet, I am constantly forced to gaze upon my friends' endlessly changing "relationship status" updates (read: we're on again! We're off again! It's complicated! We're off again! We're engaged! Just kidding-but we're on again! And it's complicated!); friends-of-signif-others' wall postings ("You guys are so cute!" "Hope to meet you at another random party next time you're in town!" "How's the GF who is actually my original friend, but it's more fun to write on your wall HI SARAH!") or groups dedicated to road trip to some uncle's cottage in "the country" which is actually just a suburb of Queens (should such a thing exist, though never having travelled to the outer-limits of Queens, I guess I can't really say for sure. But it's like astrophysics, I think. We haven't been all the way out there, but we can see what's being sent back down to earth where we are, and from this infer.).

Having been a proud participant of a dysfunctionally healthy relationship for some time now, I can happily say that we are nowhere on facebook. Or friendster. Or myspace. Why? Well, as fun as expressing one's monogamy in front of a mirror may be, it's not so fun for everyone else, who's not engaged in said act. Well, unless you're actually watching the sex, in which case, that's porn. But all the internet friend-network testaments to more-than-friendship that I've been subject to, are decidedly PG.

And don't get me wrong--I am all for love and lust and broadcasting it all over the internet, if that's your thing. It's that I have to go through 30 picturess of the happy two-some ("me and significant other at restaurant #1", "me and significant other at restaurant: #17,". "me, significant other and significant other's baby cousin who is ugly but I'll say cute and put up pictures because I am in a facebook relationship weeee!!!") before I can find the picture of us hanging out at a bar when you still had balls and didn't add pink-heart-borders to all your pictures!

And I get it: you didn't have a girlfriend/boyfriend in highschool and now you want us all to know. But let us know once. Your profile picture of you two kissing in a park and updated relationship status will do the trick, I promise. One picture may tell 1,000 words, but 1,000 pictures doesn't notify 1,000,000 people that you're in a relationship. I promise. That's not how it works.

Point being: I have to see the profile of one more intelligent, mentally-sound friend fall victim to heart-shaped cookie gifts, groups with joking "future baby pics" and postings of 'xox' as far as the I can see, I am threatening de-frienship! And if we have learned anything today, it is the importance of facebook titles to any relationship.

Facebook romances may not be fleeting, and I can accept that. But if this nauseating trend doesn't fade fast, I'm fleeing facebook.

Am I doing it wrong? Or is sex the new kitchen sink?

2007-05-17T11:10:00.002-05:00

In Jack Goes Boating, which I recently saw at the Public Theatre off-Broaday, featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman, a couple discuss nothing particularly interesting while the title character (played by Hoffman himself, if that makes it better) fingers his girlfriend. For like 10 minutes. Straight. You almost feel less stimulated than the actress who has to fake that painfully pitiful orgasm 8 shows a week.

Later, I turned on my TV to find a married couple talking about their family, finances and future plans. A rather lackluster scene, made no more lustrous by the fact that the couple was fornicating the whole time. (I use the term fornicating, because it was as clinical and unsexy as it gets - at least I hope it doesn't get less sexy that.) This was on the most recent episode of The Riches, the new “hit drama" (I use that term loosely, perhaps referring to hit-you-over-the-head and it's-a-tragedy-that-this-in-on-tv, respectively) featuring Minnie Driver (why Minnie, why?) and comedian Eddie Izzard. (I know, Eddie Izzard, in reversed drag, as a completely average straight man. It’s like camp backwards, and I have no idea what a gender-theorist would say about that.)

Back to the task at hand which is: sex. Or more aptly: sex and conversation therein. Everywhere I seem to look these days (and pay-either for in the form of a ticket or cable) no one shuts up during sex. And I don’t mean dirty talk or tender yet awkward affection a la every teen coming (entendre intended) of age film out there. It’s not sexy. It’s not sensational. It’s not even substantive. It’s just boring, It’s mundane discussion, that could be seen at a kitchen table, a coffee shop, or even post- coitus if that's your thing.

So my question is as many-fold as the number of barely noticeable orgasms I’ve been forced to witness lately. Is this a failing of theatrical convention? Post-post modern popular culture is just plain boring? The new kitchen sink, is perhaps the bed? Is it that art is more and more mundane and small and un-theatrical by the second?

Or is it our view of sex itself? In the last season of the incomparable (another term I use loosely) Sex and The City, Charlotte and Harry discuss his conversion to Judaism matter-of-factly during sex. (She’s on top and leading the conversation, so maybe we can write that off as metaphoric staging?) Are we just seeing the outcome of the 'sex and the city generation'? Is it the old adage that sex has been so desensitized and mass produced for so long - so now it's the new kitchen sink? OR, is it perhaps a meta-theatrical comment about how sex is just as mundane as the discussion of coffee filters and mortgages?

Maybe writers and directors are just getting lazy. Or maybe, they’re getting tired of being told by producers and the public alike, that sex sells. Is that it? Am I being cynical and missing how this is all indicative of some big progressive cultural shift? A subversive statement on the part of those who have started to say: Ok, you want sex? Well we’re going to make it as boring and inconsequential and monotonous as possible. Take that pervy public and producers alike! To which I must say, here here you rogue boat-rockers! Too bad what we get out of the deal is some very boring entertainment. Could somebody rebel against that, please?