I am becoming a famous sassy pseudo foodie!

Yes, you heard me right. There is only one way to get famous/ become the most lovable, beloved, lovely and adorable person in the world/ make a shit ton of money/ become a serious writer and that is to WRITE A BLOG ABOUT COOKING!

It's true. And I know what you're thinking, but I'm not just talking Julie & Julia here. There are like a thousand other women who write about the food they cook, whine adorably about the trials and tribulations and throw in some sassy little inane details about their completely conventional personal lives. And they are all going to be rich, famous, loved by millions and win pulitzer prizes one day. So, I have decided to get on the bandwagon. Stay in touch for my multi-part serious (exact end date TBD based on acquiring of book deal/ husband/ non-delusional personality.)

PART 1: "All Up in My Grill Grilled Cheese" *

Grilled cheese is like- an American classic. But it's also modern. Both retro and chic it has to be made just right or the whole dish is ruined. It's sort of like how one time I had this generic sensitive yet distant boyfriend and  I was like:  "Stop being so distant and get ALL UP IN MY GRILL already!" And he was like, "No, bitch you're crazy." So I made him this grilled cheese, and he fell completely in love with me and we were together forever. But don't worry my relationship with sensitive yet distant boyfriend isn't so secure that there won't be some serious drama in the future. And sexy restaurateur and Hollywood agents getting in the way- or should I say... ALL UP IN MY GRILL!

Read on for  my secret, super-special foolproof recipe in just 15 easy steps.

Instructions**

1. Plug in George Foreman.

2. Take  Wonder Bread out of fridge

3. Take 2 slices of Wonder Bread out of bag4. Take package of Kraft singles of the fridge. Open package. Take out 2 singles and take the plastic off of each one. (This is important. You don't want to leave the plastic wrap on either one of them.)

5. Put both slices of cheese between the two pieces of bread. (Make sure you don't put the bread between the pieces of cheese by accident- what a mess!)

6. Put Wonder Bread and Kraft Singles back in fridge.

7. Open lid of George Foreman Grill. 

8. Put bread with cheese onto grill. 

9. Close lid. 

10. Wait 3 minutes. 

11. Open grill. 

12. Take off sandwich and put it on plate. NOTE: you'll want to use a plate and not a bowl (you'll squish your sandwich), glass or mug, or ziploc bag. This 

may seem picky, but trust me you'll get the best results. 

13. Unplug grill. 

14. Enjoy sandwich. 

15. If you failed to make a decent grilled cheese sandwich, plug in grill again and burn your house down. Cooking is a serious endeavor and you should be punished for not treating it as such. 

* Yes, I came up with the title too. I am so brilliant!

**Instructions must be followed TO A T. If not, you will fuck it all up and die alone.

Bitch please! I am way cuter/younger/sassier than her. I am so on the path to greatness!

Ghost Writer

Okay, so this new Roman Polanski Ghost Writer - is Jamal still a character? Because that's the only way I'm going to see it. 

And if Jamal is in it - why isn't he in the poster? Sure Ewan and Pierce are cute, but it looks like they talk to some kind of ghost person... which HELLO is so much lamer than talking to a ghost through a computer! Technology is awesome! Especially technology from the early 90s! 

So what gives RomPo? What gives? 

Suri Watch: The Case of the Mystery Handbag

According to US Magazine, Suri "donned an $850 Salvatore Ferragamo "Sofia" handbag while boarding a helicopter with her parents in Jamaica Feb. 5. The accessorty is a mini version of mom Katie Holmes' $1,850 'Sophia' purse, which she also carried on the trip."

Cute, if not a little revolting and excessive, yes? But let's analyze this photo further. 

1. If Suri's bag is identical to Katie's, why is hers blue on one side? Is that jsut the reflection of the sun? Maybe...

2.  Why is Katie 2 feet, stopped in her tracks (not walking like Tom) and looking at Suri in shock?

3. Wait - this picture was taken on February 5th? But the article ran on February 16th? Why did it take 11 days to post this? 

Could it be that this photo was retouched to include the handbag? That really, Katie was shocked at whatever crazy alien sh*t Suri had pulled out of her sleeve? Or out of her hand? And maybe, in a brilliant stroke of PR someone said let's spin the story into one about an exorbitantly priced handbag, rather than try to cover this up only for it to be inevitably found out. Well too late savvy PR powers that be- we found out!

What is Suri actually holding? Why is Katie so shocked? And if by chance this was the real photo, that' still doesn't explain why Katie was so shocked. So WHAT WAS IN THE BAG?

Lessons Learned from Lifetime Movies

1.  If you have an affair, end it, and then are stalked by your ex-lover…you should tell someone instead of keeping it a secret. If not, ex-lover will attack you, date your daughter and kill your husband. And then you’ll  feel pretty silly for not just saying something earlier.

2.  If you are home alone, and it is scary and dark outside and your are isolated in the middle of the wilderness….there probably is a bad guy lurking outside. Don’t just pour some tea and try to ignore it, because eventually someone will break in and attack you.

3.  Affairs never end well.

4. Pregnancy never ends well.

5. Therapists are 1) evil, 2) incompetent or 3) so smart you have to kill them so they won’t discover our your evil past.

6. There is life after cancelled sitcoms/prime-time soaps/early nineties fame.

In Defense of Suri Watch

Dearest Pretty People and Others,

Today, a friend asked me if I thought my blog was mean to young Suri. And although, I'm sure my friend is delusional and I am completely right, I wanted to clear things up, just in case some of you were delusional too.

Do I want to be mean to Suri? No. Do I think Suri is a bad person? Of course not! I don't think she's a person! Even so, she is pretty. And though this blog is devoted to the feelings of pretty people, we also care about non-persons who are pretty too. Because it's hard to be pretty, no matter what genus or species you are --no matter what planet you hail from.

And really, prettiness refers to so much more than just the state of being pretty. That's the whole point of this blog. Everyone has feelings - even those we might suspect of not having them. Even those who don't have the human capacity to have feelings because they're supernatural life forms. Besides, I've seen Star Trek, Star Trek the Next Generation and even Deep Space Nine--hell even Voyager. I know that even alien races have feelings too. I've seen the evidence. I'm not ignorant.

So, for anyone out there who thinks I'm being a little harsh, please rest assured that I only want good things for Suri. I want her to find a way to adapt to our human way of life and live here peacefully. And for our planets to have diplomatic relations, and cultural exchanges and even foreign exchange students! I've seen My Stepmother is an Alien, I know it's possible. (And before you write that movie off, please remember that it starred none other than Dan Aykroyd, THE authority on all things otherworldly.)

And for those of you who appreciate what I'm doing, know that I won't let you down. I will continue to keep you posted on the adventures of our little alien friend, and to keep you informed of any suspicious goings on. Then hopefully, we can better understand her ways and also maybe prevent the destruction of our planet.

With love to all- be you pretty, or alien or even Dan Aykroyd,

xoxo

Pretty Girl

Suri Watch is Back...with Lipstick and Princess Dresses

I only write things when I have something else--or really 2 other things, at least--that I am supposed to be writing instead. So, with two deadlines looming above my head (that were due yesterday) , I have decided to devote time to the prettiest thing I write. For the prettiest readers ever.

And the truth is, I've been slacking lately. Because Suri Cruise is still out there, passing herself off as an actual person-child, even though she is secretly an alien. And I have not being keeping watch.

This week's evidence # 1: Suri was caught wearing lipstick yesterday. Now, you might think it's cute. But I'm sorry, playing dress-up at home, is different than showing up at a restaurant wearing lipstick. Especially when you're three. It's almost like she's wearing a disguise or something. And why? Brace yourselves....

Tom Cruise's explanation to Hello! magazine was this: "Suri's very much like her mother..."

Very much like her mother?!? Um, could he have given it away more? Why do you need to convince us of that Tommy? Why must you hammer in such an obvious fact? Obviously she'd be like her mother, unless.... are you hiding something? Like the fact Suri's real mom comes from the planet Stiuoplixlegilooo?

And by the way, a blogger at The National Post responded to this event by asking, "Is Suri Cruise the oldest 3 year old alive?" I respond to him: yes, because she is actually a 345 year old alien. Though that's considered young on her home planet of Yisdowjikkerlocz.

Evidence # 2: Check out this picture of Suri in Disney World, laughing with a Disney princess. Belle touches her heart, and opens her mouth with glee as she looks at adorable little Suri. Or wait- is Belle clutching her heart and opening her mouth to scream a silent scream of terror?

Look at the veins popping out of her neck! Did the alien baby just spray some sort of extraterrestrial bile from her mouth? Or did she lock her supernatural eyes with Belle's long enough for Belle to realize that she was looking into creepy, all-knowing, all-powerful alien eyes?

Clearly things are getting out of hand. And I promise to be better at keeping you updated -even if I don't desperately need a way to procrastinate.

This Ketchup Packet Will Change Your Life

From AP:
The ketchup packet has been around for more than 40 years, and complaints about it for nearly as long: too messy, too small, too hard to open. Now ketchup giant H.J. Heinz Co. is unveiling the first major packaging change to the to-go condiment. The new design has a base that's more like a cup for dipping and also a tear-off end for squeezing, plus it holds three times as much ketchup than a traditional packet."The packet has long been the bane of our consumers," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup.

Oh, and it's also Hyperbole Week.