When the end is nigh, and Bruce Willis isn’t there to save you

Disclaimer: I'd just like to emphasize, that I am a creative writer. I am in no way qualified to assess things like risk and national security. And I have nothing against this company. I think it's a great business idea and it is with satiric lightheartedness that I write this.

Yesterday, in my internet travels I came across a Canadian business venture called "The Marshall Project" that quite amused me. It is run by what seems to be a somewhat legit finance company (they, after all, advertise on the all-powerful facebook). The pitch: it's a private walled in community/fortress, at a secret location that you can pay to live in in the event of national/ global disaster or "unrest" as they call it. The Marshall Base features, an 8 foot tall wall, guards, reserves of food and water, military resources and entertainment facilities, just in case you get bored. Or maybe to blow out the brains of attacking-aliens with music. A nominal monthly fee with guarantee your spot there, as well as transportation to said location in the event of massive emergency.

Ok, so for a second let's forget all the big hypotheticals, like: If there is a massive disaster, is a gated community really going to withstand the impact? If there is a "regional conflict" as they say, how can the prevent people from potentially conflicted regions from signing up? (Maybe that answer, is that these people are rich and stupid. So, there won't be anyone too controversially poor signing up? A symptom of the inequity from which this regional unrest that we're hiding from maybe come from? Maybe?)

Forgoing all that, we’re still left with a few holes that I'm wondering about. The website promises that their cars (armored, which are definitely good at driving through mobs of people and nuclear fires, nonetheless, I shall go on....) will drive you to the secretly-located safe haven, if you will. Now, all we know is that this secretly-located safe haven is located somewhere in Canada whose land area encompasses approximately 1o million killometres. (9,922,385 sq. km to be exact).

Now, it would take about a week, to drive across Canada, driving about 12 hours a day. And this is not factoring various routes being closed due to asteroids or alien armies. And assuming the bombs and asteroids don’t get you on your hours of driving in open road across country, that’s a lot of gas to find. Maybe these cars are solar-powered? Still, if the sun has ceased to burn, ain’t non’a’that either. Still, I get that these are paltry logistical details. Moving on, there's a national disaster, chaos ensues, and these business dudes call up their drivers, who leave their families to come get you? From wherever they are located? Well, maybe their families are also being taken there-by other drivers? Wait a minute....

And the guarantee, I'm guessing is a contract. After all, this is a business investment. Which is awesome. Because when the world is ending, if they don't send out their drivers to transport you to the secret location, you can always sue. Let's just hope that all the courts of law don't get destroyed. But maybe we'll be onto an online-justice system by then... Speaking of which, I hope this place has wireless...

Oh, and did I mention that the parent company bills itself as "Canada’s premier New Venture research & implementation company" but that all their contact information is in Hong Kong? Now, I realize I just may be tempting the fates. And one day these guys may be laughing at me in their safe, walled in community as they begin to re-populate the earth. Still, for now, I'll choose to spend the $400 yearly fee on late-night cabs, a fire extinguisher and locks for my doors to protect me. And use the $1000 initiation fee to start my own shady business plan.

Call me old fashioned, by I'm not ready to give up on the world quite yet. And feel free to quote and mock me come Armageddon. Check it out, have a laugh, hell-sign up if you want to, at: http://www.themarshallproject.com/